Category Archives: In The News

I Got Two Penises And A Microphone…

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A real gift from God…

I just read an article about a lizard with two penises.  Hemipene is the scientific terminology. I will simply refer to this phenomena as: amazing.  Am I jealous?  Of course I am.  Imagine being able to do DP to a girl and not have to worry about crossing swords with your buddy.  We all know how thin that area of skin between the snatch and the pooper can get.  And once there is a cock in each hole it is paper-thin!  With two penises I could get so much more accomplished in this lifetime.  I could pleasure girls like never before, probably get into Harvard business school and climb Mount Everest.  I know what you’re thinking; all of this with just an additional penis?  The answer is, yes.

Nevada Man-Whore Calls It Quits…So Sad

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Gigolo

Male Hookers: an Endangered Species

There are 2 possible scenarios here: this guy either sucks at sexing women, or it is in fact true that women never pay for sex.  I think it’s a balanced blend of both.  Women really shouldn’t have to pay for sex, ever.  There is always a dude out there that will bang anything, trust me.  But, this guy probably was a pretty bad lay.  I imagine that hookers get a lot of referral business, and clearly Markus’ clients were not satisfied enough to tell their friends.  The whole idea of a male prostitute, or prostitude, seems like the greatest job in the world.  This role has been embellished in films like Loverboy and Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo (the actual gigolo, not Deuce).  The films paint the gigolo role in a fantastic and exotic light.  There are an abundance of hot women calling non-stop to be pleasured by a prostitude.  I always knew that this was, for the most part, untrue; but this gigolo in Nevada must have watched these movies a few too many times.

Do You Like My Condom Holder…It’s European

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Condom Container

Condom Dispenser (Bedside)

I gotta be honest, I think if a chick sees this on your nightstand, she will be impressed.  Look at that thing, it’s cool as all get-up.  Right next to the reading lamp, between the tissues and your cellphone charger.  It fits perfectly and I don’t think it sends a bad message.  If anything, it says, “I love safe sex so much that my condoms deserve to shine.”  It’s like a tea bag jar, filled with variety and options.  Keep some ribbed, a few ultra-thin and even a spermicidal condom in there.  It will be like the arcade claw game, filled with mystery and delight.  And please, if I am way too excited about this…please let me know.

Is Tiger Gonna Have To Choke A Bitch?

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Tiger and Joslyn

Sexting…

This Tiger Woods thing is out of control now.  I mean, I love every minute of it, but it is insane.  Tiger apparently likes to talk dirty.  I am no stranger to this hankering either.  Sexting is my middle name and I have sent my fair share of naughty SMS.  My favorite has to be the one Tiger sent to Joslyn James stating his desire to ‘choke her’ and that she needed to find a ‘trusted’ friend for their threesome.  Tiger, Tiger, Tiger; always double checking like a champion.  That’s how it went down for my first threesome too.  I told my mistress, “Hey listen, this threesome is going down, but make sure we can trust this hoe, I don’t need her yapping about it.”

Tiger spread himself too thin, obviously.  Had he only been adulterous with 3-4 ladies, he would still be in the clear.  But look at what he has created.  Joslyn James now has a website with all of Tiger’s texts on it, and trying to visit the site is impossible; I think 4 servers imploded yesterday alone.  If you get the chance, here is the link.


Midget Porn Is Like My Morning Coffee (I Don’t Drink Coffee)

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Chelsea and Chuy

Chuy, of Chelsea Lately fame, is a full blown midget pornstar…who knew?  And I wrote this poem in his honor (took me 3 minutes).  I am still in shock about this one – honestly the last guy I suspected of such extracurricular activities.

Ode to Midget Porn

Pudgy arms and chubbier legs
With a tiny penis to boot;
Yes, they do prefer smaller beds
But that point is moot

Still capable of fucking a girl
Til she screams thy name;
Let’s give it a whirl
I think you just came

Short and stout like a teapot
But full of sexuality;
3 midgets fit in 1 cot
Perhaps 4 in actuality

Why does midget porn fascinate
Is it a fantasy you crave;
A midget I dare not date
We reserve that for the brave

So watch your midget porn
And smile with delight;
For it is you who will be torn
When that midget won’t spend the night


This Thing Will Outsell Tickle-Me-Elmo, No Doubt

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Catalina

The best card in my wallet…

A prepaid card for CatalinaCruz.com will be available starting in April.  The card will be sold in retail stores, convenience stores, liquor stores, truck stops, adult video stores and anywhere dudes wanna buy a prepaid card for jerking-off purposes.  “I’ll take the beef jerky, 2 Cokes, a pack of Marlboro and uhh, hmm, gimme one of those Catalina Cards…”  I am beyond stoked for Catalina and PrePaid Adult Entertainment.  I think this is such a great way to help grow the industry further and take quality porn and place it in the fingertips of many who perhaps might not have known where to find the good stuff.  Catalina is one of our favorites here at NudeReviews and we hope that this venture is a super success, and opens more doors.  As for our pending marriage, I believe it is still a go…if I need to buy a prepaid Catalina card to prove my love; I certainly will.

Prom Canceled…Mississippi Still The Worst State Ever

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Lesbian Prom Date

Mississippi Blows…

Of course this would only happen in Mississippi.  They just outlawed slavery last year and I think women will get to vote in 2011.  Come on Mississippi!  What’s the big deal?  You are perfectly fine with allowing gambling; but same-sex prom dates are a major no-no?  Frankly, this will not fly with me.  First, I love girl-girl action, and second, aren’t there bigger issues on your plate.  How about addressing one of the worst public school systems in the country or cutting down on your incest rate, which I am sure ranks near the top.

Constance McMillen (above) petitioned the high school, asking for permission to bring another girl as her date.  The school board responded by canceling the prom.  I cannot think of a more absurd reaction for the school board to have taken.  This is 2010.  I suppose that notion has not yet reached Fulton, Mississippi.  I can only hope that Connie’s fellow students have rallied behind her instead of blaming her for the prom shutdown. Constance is 18, so I am putting her picture up on the blog, and hopefully the ACLU gets shit done.  Something tells me that there are not too many ACLU members reading this blog though…