8-Ball In The Corner Pocketpussy…Hey Lisa…Hi

Lisa Ann

Lisa Ann might just be the fine wine of the porn industry.  It’s not often that you find a pornstar getting better with age.  She has figured it out for sure and I cannot get enough.  Maybe she stumbled upon a mystery potion, an ancient Chinese secret or perhaps she made a deal with the devil.  She is everywhere and continues to put out hit after hit and feature on every major network across the net.  Massive tits and plenty of Milf charm have made her a fixture in the industry as her 40th birthday approaches.  This will probably be the only time you hear me say this, but I hope she is doing porn when she is 50.  I know, that sounds a little off-putting (unless you dig the grannies) but I think she will still be smoking hot.  What’s stopping her?  Okay, maybe time will become her foe at some point, but look at those boobs.  They are stunning.

Do You Like My Condom Holder…It’s European

Condom Container

Condom Dispenser (Bedside)

I gotta be honest, I think if a chick sees this on your nightstand, she will be impressed.  Look at that thing, it’s cool as all get-up.  Right next to the reading lamp, between the tissues and your cellphone charger.  It fits perfectly and I don’t think it sends a bad message.  If anything, it says, “I love safe sex so much that my condoms deserve to shine.”  It’s like a tea bag jar, filled with variety and options.  Keep some ribbed, a few ultra-thin and even a spermicidal condom in there.  It will be like the arcade claw game, filled with mystery and delight.  And please, if I am way too excited about this…please let me know.

Is Tiger Gonna Have To Choke A Bitch?

Tiger and Joslyn


This Tiger Woods thing is out of control now.  I mean, I love every minute of it, but it is insane.  Tiger apparently likes to talk dirty.  I am no stranger to this hankering either.  Sexting is my middle name and I have sent my fair share of naughty SMS.  My favorite has to be the one Tiger sent to Joslyn James stating his desire to ‘choke her’ and that she needed to find a ‘trusted’ friend for their threesome.  Tiger, Tiger, Tiger; always double checking like a champion.  That’s how it went down for my first threesome too.  I told my mistress, “Hey listen, this threesome is going down, but make sure we can trust this hoe, I don’t need her yapping about it.”

Tiger spread himself too thin, obviously.  Had he only been adulterous with 3-4 ladies, he would still be in the clear.  But look at what he has created.  Joslyn James now has a website with all of Tiger’s texts on it, and trying to visit the site is impossible; I think 4 servers imploded yesterday alone.  If you get the chance, here is the link.

Midget Porn Is Like My Morning Coffee (I Don’t Drink Coffee)

Chelsea and Chuy

Chuy, of Chelsea Lately fame, is a full blown midget pornstar…who knew?  And I wrote this poem in his honor (took me 3 minutes).  I am still in shock about this one – honestly the last guy I suspected of such extracurricular activities.

Ode to Midget Porn

Pudgy arms and chubbier legs
With a tiny penis to boot;
Yes, they do prefer smaller beds
But that point is moot

Still capable of fucking a girl
Til she screams thy name;
Let’s give it a whirl
I think you just came

Short and stout like a teapot
But full of sexuality;
3 midgets fit in 1 cot
Perhaps 4 in actuality

Why does midget porn fascinate
Is it a fantasy you crave;
A midget I dare not date
We reserve that for the brave

So watch your midget porn
And smile with delight;
For it is you who will be torn
When that midget won’t spend the night

This Thing Will Outsell Tickle-Me-Elmo, No Doubt


The best card in my wallet…

A prepaid card for CatalinaCruz.com will be available starting in April.  The card will be sold in retail stores, convenience stores, liquor stores, truck stops, adult video stores and anywhere dudes wanna buy a prepaid card for jerking-off purposes.  “I’ll take the beef jerky, 2 Cokes, a pack of Marlboro and uhh, hmm, gimme one of those Catalina Cards…”  I am beyond stoked for Catalina and PrePaid Adult Entertainment.  I think this is such a great way to help grow the industry further and take quality porn and place it in the fingertips of many who perhaps might not have known where to find the good stuff.  Catalina is one of our favorites here at NudeReviews and we hope that this venture is a super success, and opens more doors.  As for our pending marriage, I believe it is still a go…if I need to buy a prepaid Catalina card to prove my love; I certainly will.