Monthly Archives: June 2010

Seven Minutes for the Perfect Sex, For Real!

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I fuck with purpose, and my eye on the clock…

If you fuck for more than 13 minutes, you might as well have just kept it in your pants. A recent survey/study revealed that most men and women classify lovemaking that lasts 3-7 minutes as sufficient, and sex that lasts between 7-13 minutes as fucking perfect. This is a huge blow to all of you “macho-men” and your bragging about being able to last forever. No one gives a shit anymore. And if my weak ass can last for 7 minutes, I am golden. That is all I plan on focusing on now; if I can last 7 minutes then I will be proud of myself, and I will know that my sex was ‘desirable’. Who really wants to fuck for 3 hours anyways? You would be so exhausted.

“Icing A Cake” has a Whole New Meaning.

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I think I’ll pass…

I came across something equally fascinating and disgusting. It’s a cookbook filled with semen-based recipes (fight the gag reflex). I’m not fucking kidding, it exists, and you can purchase one for your girlfriend’s birthday at the bargain price of $24.95 and have it on your doorstep in 3-5 business days. I’m not quite sure about the emotions rushing through me right now. On one hand, it is hilarious and makes for a hell of a gift. On the other hand, it is really being put to use by someone in a kitchen somewhere. They have a counter-top filled with flour, baking soda, sugar, vanilla extract and semen. One recipe, for meringue, simply substitutes ‘cream of tartar’ for ‘cream of man’, I am not making this stuff up folks. If someone ever tried to serve me a Banana-Walnut-Semen Muffin, I would look them in the eyes, with my serious face, and say “you take the first bite.” While they struggle with the first bite (because it’s fucking semen) I would slap them in the mouth and run. I guess I don’t really have to flee the scene, but it has more effect.

The True Power of the Internet, Revealed.

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A recent study revealed that over 1/3 of the internet is porn. I just got a boner. Actually, it’s not that surprising when you sit back and think about it, or spend as much time as I do looking at internet porn. Nevertheless, porn rules the interwebs by an alarming margin. What can we extract from this? One thing: it will only grow. There is nothing concrete to suggest porn slowing down anytime soon. Click away my friends, there are a million sites out there you have yet to find.

Real House Whores of New Jersey: Season 1

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it IS a sex-tape…

That crazy bitch from The Real Housewives of New Jersey, Danielle, has a sex-tape. The whole sex-tape thing has really lost its edge though, don’t you think? I remember when the only thing on the block was Pamela Anderson getting impaled by Tommy Lee’s horse-cock. Nowadays it seems like every faux celebrity has one, and they use it to acquire more fame. This real housewife looks real nasty, wild and crazy…all of the right ingredients for a sex-tape with just one thing missing. Who the fuck are you? I can go to hundreds of “home-sex” sites on the interwebs and find tons of homemade porn. Why do I care to watch yours? It must be due to that riveting show you star in. If I come across bitter, it is because I am. That being said, I still think you all should watch the video and critique it, compare it to Kim Kardashian or Paris Hilton. It is available through Hustler, follow this link.

Jesse Jordan And I Should Talk More…

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Jesse Jordan is a very cool chick. I could have talked to her for an hour…not sure she would have wanted to, but I could have. She is one of the sweetest girls in the industry and I hope she comes to Miami soon and maybe we can chill.  For the full transcript, follow this link.

Part one:

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Part two:

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Good-bye Ginger Dreams…For Now At Least

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Big Red Dream…

I read an article that stated Irish women were the most fertile in Europe. This is interesting news, considering one of my life goals is to bang a ginger. Firecrotches fascinate me. My search has been ongoing for quite some time now, and I fear it may be coming to an unsuccessful end. The article really made me ponder my life goals. Should banging a ginger be that high on my list? The answer is yes, undoubtedly. Then I thought: I should marry a ginger and start a family. They are so fertile I am guaranteed some babies. But then I thought even deeper. Do I want to bring a redheaded kid into this world? The answer is no, undoubtedly. The potential scrutiny that kid would face makes me shudder with fear. What is the lesson here? Bang a ginger, don’t procreate. Class dismissed.