This Is Kind Of A Big Deal, Huge Deal…

Lost penis…

So, it looks like a German penis went missing. I know that sounds funny, but it’s true. A statue in the Bornstedt cememtery, put up in 2008, has a massive dong and apparently visitors found it offensive. The penis was hacked off and is now missing (they had to wait 24 hours to legally declare it). Police suspect the cemetery regulars grew sick and tired of it and launched a covert attack. I personally think some horny young German girl saw it one day and wanted it for her own. That’s not a crazy notion, considering how sexually enlightened the Euros are.

Hookers Are Running Out Of Food in Bangladesh!

Just another reason to be freaked out by Bangladesh…

Female prostitutes in Bangladesh are using cow steroids in order to appear older and better fed. Okay, female prostitutes in Bangladesh are doing WHAT!? This is not only one of the more bizarre stories I’ve heard in weeks, but also so contradictory. I’m gonna try to break this down for everyone…okay. Bangladesh is riddled with poverty and starvation, so these whores are getting so skinny that no one wants to bang them. Are you with me so far? Okay, introduce Oradexon, a drug designed to fatten up cows. The Bengali whores are purchasing the drug to make their faces and bodies plumper and give off a more rotund vibe. This will undoubtedly increase business because no one wants to fuck a skeleton. The drug has become an alternative to food for these girls, and it costs about $1 for 100 pills. This seems like a sound plan, maybe the hookers of Bangladesh are potential Rhodes Scholars. Not so fast, the drug is for fucking cows! It causes heart disease, obesity, kidney failure, osteoporosis and it happens to be more addictive than crystal meth. Well it appears for the time being that brothels will continue to force-feed these hoes cow steroids, until their kidneys shut down apparently. One whore lost in the race to super-whoredom is nothing, think about the big picture for Bangladesh. It could be the land of the plump-faced prostitute, the envy of the world!

What’s That, In Your Back Pocket?

Sweet Shoes…

When I come across a picture as amazing as this one, I always feel compelled to share. Believe it or not, this is actually a new ad campaign for Nike. Ok, don’t believe it. But how fantastic is that body paint? I wonder if the people in the background knew it was body paint, or perhaps just another girl in a tank-top and jean shorts. That dude with the sunglasses is thanking his lucky stars that he decided to leave the house with his shades on. I know exactly where his eyes are pointing from underneath those blue-blockers. He is a wise man, and if we were to cross paths one day, I’d shake his hand and offer him a refreshment.

Seven Minutes for the Perfect Sex, For Real!

I fuck with purpose, and my eye on the clock…

If you fuck for more than 13 minutes, you might as well have just kept it in your pants. A recent survey/study revealed that most men and women classify lovemaking that lasts 3-7 minutes as sufficient, and sex that lasts between 7-13 minutes as fucking perfect. This is a huge blow to all of you “macho-men” and your bragging about being able to last forever. No one gives a shit anymore. And if my weak ass can last for 7 minutes, I am golden. That is all I plan on focusing on now; if I can last 7 minutes then I will be proud of myself, and I will know that my sex was ‘desirable’. Who really wants to fuck for 3 hours anyways? You would be so exhausted.

“Icing A Cake” has a Whole New Meaning.

I think I’ll pass…

I came across something equally fascinating and disgusting. It’s a cookbook filled with semen-based recipes (fight the gag reflex). I’m not fucking kidding, it exists, and you can purchase one for your girlfriend’s birthday at the bargain price of $24.95 and have it on your doorstep in 3-5 business days. I’m not quite sure about the emotions rushing through me right now. On one hand, it is hilarious and makes for a hell of a gift. On the other hand, it is really being put to use by someone in a kitchen somewhere. They have a counter-top filled with flour, baking soda, sugar, vanilla extract and semen. One recipe, for meringue, simply substitutes ‘cream of tartar’ for ‘cream of man’, I am not making this stuff up folks. If someone ever tried to serve me a Banana-Walnut-Semen Muffin, I would look them in the eyes, with my serious face, and say “you take the first bite.” While they struggle with the first bite (because it’s fucking semen) I would slap them in the mouth and run. I guess I don’t really have to flee the scene, but it has more effect.

The True Power of the Internet, Revealed.

A recent study revealed that over 1/3 of the internet is porn. I just got a boner. Actually, it’s not that surprising when you sit back and think about it, or spend as much time as I do looking at internet porn. Nevertheless, porn rules the interwebs by an alarming margin. What can we extract from this? One thing: it will only grow. There is nothing concrete to suggest porn slowing down anytime soon. Click away my friends, there are a million sites out there you have yet to find.

Real House Whores of New Jersey: Season 1

it IS a sex-tape…

That crazy bitch from The Real Housewives of New Jersey, Danielle, has a sex-tape. The whole sex-tape thing has really lost its edge though, don’t you think? I remember when the only thing on the block was Pamela Anderson getting impaled by Tommy Lee’s horse-cock. Nowadays it seems like every faux celebrity has one, and they use it to acquire more fame. This real housewife looks real nasty, wild and crazy…all of the right ingredients for a sex-tape with just one thing missing. Who the fuck are you? I can go to hundreds of “home-sex” sites on the interwebs and find tons of homemade porn. Why do I care to watch yours? It must be due to that riveting show you star in. If I come across bitter, it is because I am. That being said, I still think you all should watch the video and critique it, compare it to Kim Kardashian or Paris Hilton. It is available through Hustler, follow this link.