I’ll Stick With ‘The Crazyhorse’, Thank You…

StripClub

F.Y.I. Future Groomsmen…

Stay the hell away from ‘The Foxhole’.  I am not the kind of guy who needs to go to the most extravagant strip-club in the world.  I will not complain about a few 6’s or even a 5 rolling around the club.  As long as there is a 9 or a 10 on the premises I am content.  But what the hell is going on at ‘The Foxhole’?!

The only logical explanation for this advertisement is that someone lost a bet…how else could this have happened?  There must have a been a bet between rival strip-club owners and the loser had to post that ad on their billboard.  I don’t wanna hit up a club that has a bunch of hogs on stage.  And you know they are heading straight for the Chinese-Buffet with your singles after their shift.  I support any boost in the economy as well as the hiring of individuals to help raise unemployment, but this seems like too much.  Literally and figuratively.  Hiring some thick girls or a chick with a pie-face is just wrong and I will not advocate such practices.  I feel compelled to report this story to the faithful blog readers, and beware of ‘The Foxhole’ in your travels.

Bling Bling…

Jesse Jane

My vagina requires 24 karat gold…

At what point do you say to yourself, “I need a solid gold vibrator”.  Apparently it was just recently for Jesse Jane.  I can relate to this feeling however.  Three days ago, I said to myself, “I would love some Pepperidge Farm Goldfish Crackers”.  So I did what anyone in my shoes would have done…I walked to the store and got them!  They were in aisle 12, nowhere near the golden dildos.

Seriously, Jesse, come on now.  Are you Saddam Hussein?  What’s next?  A golden toilet and a diamond studded faucet?  Stick with the normal stuff, so your fans don’t think you have lost your mind.  If you melted down that vibrator, its value would equal the Gross Domestic Product of Ghana.  Think of all the lives you could save, Jesse!  If you are reading this blog, Jesse, go to cashforgold.com and make an inquiry.  Use the cash to save a nation, not your vagina.

* Jesse, you are still amazing and I would do unthinkable things to you.  I was just concerned about the children, the future of the Earth.

Do You Like My Costume?

Halloween…the right way

Halloween is days away and I have no clue about my costume yet.  I need some serious help and I feel that without some input it may be another lonely night on the couch…

What to be?  Honestly, I haven’t given it too much thought.  Usually Halloween creeps up on me and last minute ideas end up being huge successes.  This was me and my buddy last fall, whatcha think?

Halloween '08

I have to pull off something better this year.  If I cannot come up with a costume idea by Friday, I will be forced to go back on my old ways…throwing eggs at defenseless elementary school kids.  Horrifying, I know, but equally adrenaline-pounding and fantastic.  The key to success, if you take this risky route, is to target 12 year olds.  They will be parentless (bonus) and you can still kick their ass if they catch you…perfect.  Just remember that getting hit with an egg on Halloween is like a right of passage.  So don’t cry about it or get upset…especially if you were in the Grosse Pointe Farms area of Detroit circa ’98, sorry.

Catalina Cruz, Will You Marry Me?

I had the pleasure of interviewing Catalina Cruz the other day. I will post the audio clip a.s.a.p. I promise.  She was extremely down to earth and I must say, she rolled with the punches and my sarcasm.  So this week is dedicated to Catalina…and her amazing blowjob techniques.  My search continues for a girl who can replicate these maneuvers.  I fear I will never find her…

* Thanks for the Tweet, and btw…we love you.

Someone is Due Back at the Zoo…

Oh Dear God

I just can’t get enough of this image…

This will stick with me for a while I believe.  I feel his pain.  Yes, I said “his” pain.  Whoever that guy is, I hope he was paid an extremely large amount of money to bang this girl.  Something like 7 figures sounds fair, right?  What would you bang her for?  I start the bidding at 60 Grand, guarantee I don’t get any takers til I throw out 100,000 bones.  Truthfully, she probably paid to be in a porno.  I just wanna know the sound she is making during that facial expression.  For some reason I’m picturing a moose-like grunt combined with the squeal of a pig while it’s being gutted.  Yup,  that’s exactly the sound she is making…

Busted!

Farva

Cops have needs…

A cop in Illinois just got fired for watching porn on his squad-car laptop.  He had been on suspension since January for the incident.  The kicker to the story…he tried to bring down the entire police force when he finally got canned.

Billy Hurst told a circuit court that his co-workers are all guilty of looking at porn and that he was not the only person to use the on-board computer for such activities.  I like this guy, honestly.  He gets screwed for watching porn and tells the judge that everybody he works with is a hornball.  It’s a killer defense.  The Chief of police responded to the accusations by saying, “yes, we have a couple playboys in the bathroom at the station”.  Bullshit Chief!  You were issuing tickets with a huge boner and you know it!  I bet everyone in that station was walking around with perpetual hard-ons.  Hell, they probably shot a film in one of those squad-cars back in ’98.

What’s the big deal here though?  Cops keep the streets safe and I have no problem with a cop using his computer for some personal time.  Illinois is essentially a giant farm once you get outside of Chicago, so things can be pretty boring.  I did some research and the town of Clinton is seriously in the middle of nowhere.  You go ahead an rub one out, just use a little hand sanitizer before you write me a ticket.  There is one crucial piece to the story that I am leaving out…Apparently in 2003, Officer Hurst exposed himself at a local bar.

Okay, I will concede…maybe this guy is a sicko, but aren’t we all just a little bit?  Another funny bit to the story; his computer was getting a virus every other week, which sparked a tech guy at the station to put the monitoring device on his laptop.  He watched more than 27 hours of porn in a 5-week period.  I will keep you posted on Officer Hurst’s fate, and everyone out there who thinks he’s just a dude trying to watch porn and relax…High Five!!

Get That Guy a Hazmat Suit!!

SPL134574_004

He’s not even using gloves…

Pamela Anderson was out and about, apparently snowboarding in someone’s backyard…what the F is she doing on the grass with a snowboard?  No one knows, but I seem to be the only guy concerned about the well-being of the gentleman strapping her into the board.  His head and neck areas are dangerously close to her snatch.  The Hepatitis C is unavoidable but for god sakes, don’t expose yourself to anything airborne.  Pamela Anderson is like the DDT of the 21st Century.  Her snatch alone is responsible for more than 862 civilian casualties.

How many damn people has she boned?  Forget it, how many damn washed-up rockstars has she boned?  More than you and I can keep track of, that is for sure…

Can I Touch You…

sunny

Sunny is scary hot…

Sunny Leone and the good folks at Vivid got together the other night to toast the release of ‘Sunny’s Slumber Party’.  It is a ‘coming of age’ tale about a boy who loses his lifelong companion, Buck, a Yellow Labrador Retriever, during a boating accident on the high seas.  Okay that is just not true I am sorry for that one.  It’s a porno and Sunny Leone is seriously hot.  I would do unspeakable things to her if given the chance.  I mean that in the most sincere manner.

The party was apparently a lot of fun.  The recently single Evan Seinfeld was in attendance, trying to figure out if anyone will know who he is without Tera Patrick on his arm.  The answer is this, they hardly knew you before, they are definitely going to forget about you now.  Sorry pal.  Let’s get back to Leone, she might be the hottest thing out there right now.  Look at that picture above, she would look good taking a dump; I’ve never said that about another girl.  She could have not showered for 3 weeks and shown up to the party wearing the tracksuit my lesbian gym teacher from the 80’s wore, and she still would have looked amazing.

The video is available through Vivid and sales are expected to be high.  I got an advance copy a few weeks back and have now incorporated it into my nightly routine.  I put on my pajamas, brush my teeth, clip my nails, moisturize and watch ‘Sunny’s Slumber Party’.  I just don’t get a good nights sleep if the movie doesn’t play.