I Will Never Stop Loving The Jersey Shore

Jersey Shore

Here’s the Situation…

This is my crew for the weekend.  Holla!  We are gonna splash so much bottled water around the club while we fist pump it will make the average head explode.  I have my gel kit ready for deployment and luckily Pauly D will give me some pointers.  We have a 5:30 lift session at the gym, followed by a protein-rich dinner, then we groom ourselves for 4 hours before hittin’ da club.  I’m hoping to get J-Wow so drunk that she blows Snookie (we all know Snookie has a dick).  I think the highlight of my night will be (fingers crossed) if Ronnie teaches me his “creepy” patented move.  This could potentially be the single-greatest weekend of my life.  Wish me luck.  If anyone needs me, I will undoubtedly be in the club for 48 hours straight so holla at ya jersey Shore boy…

Angela Aspen: The Mother Of My Unborn Children

Angela Aspen rocks, plain and simple.  I’m not certain, but I think that she and I will be doing some heavy breeding in a few years time.  She is probably just as excited as I am. 


Part one:

[jwplayer config=”Interview Player” mediaid=”10983″]


Part two:

[jwplayer config=”Interview Player” mediaid=”10985″]


Angela Aspen: Hello?

Nude Reviews: Angela!

Angela Aspen: This is Angela.

NR: How are you? It’s Mack at NudeReviews.com

Angela Aspen: Yes, how are you?

NR: I’m good. Are you on your cell phone?

Angela Aspen: Yes.

NR: It’s going in and out a little bit, I’m sorry. I can hear you okay but there is a little bit of static.


Angela Aspen: Okay, can you hear me a little better?

NR: That’s a lot better, I appreciate it. Thank you

Angela Aspen: You bet. So how are you doing?

NR: I’m good, what are you up to?

Angela Aspen: Like I said, just tanning and getting ready to go out and party tonight.

NR: Sounds good. I’m just drinking a beer in my office, getting ready for Friday night.

Angela Aspen: [laughs] Nice.

NR: It gets a little loose here on Fridays. We are porn review site, so you can imagine the day-to-day.

Angela Aspen: Yeah, my typical days are quite interesting…

NR: So where are you right now?


The Apple Reich: Haters Of All Adult Entertainment

the real iPhone

Apple Doo Doo…

Apple has become the Gestapo of internet porn.  They clearly want no one looking at smut on the precious iPhone.  A recent purge of all porn-related apps has left many users upset.  What’s the big deal, anyways?  There wasn’t even a single full nudity app available, so why get rid of hotness.  That’s just it, Apple is killing hotness.  What a travesty; this is like tech segregation.  Everyone is pro-technology and all for the advancement of technology in society.  Yet advancements are made in the adult market and they get shot down by the very company pushing for innovation and growth.  I am baffled, somewhat, but I suppose I can appreciate Apple’s argument.  They are douches.

I Would Take A 3-Day Hike In Her Breasts



Who is Salma Hayek’s agent?  He/she is doing a poor job.  She should be auditioning for every slutty bikini-clad role in Hollywood.  Those tits are out of control; I feel like I need a permit just to stare at this picture.  Her breasts are more fun to look at than those Magic Eye Posters.  Did I miss this somehow?  Are these the same breasts I saw in “Desperado”, really?  I think someone had some work done; bravo.  They look amazing and I am recommending them for their own exhibit in the Smithsonian.

Would Anyone Really Miss These Two? Nope…

Heidi Montag & Spencer Pratt

Who are you?

I will give someone a free password to one of the sites in our top 12 if they can explain to me exactly what these two people do for a living.  I am baffled, I’ve got nothing.  How on earth are these two neanderthals famous?  I need an explanation, pronto!  I am quite confident that if I were to see Spencer Pratt at a bar or club, there is a very good chance I’d either kick him twice in the nuts or pour Visine into his beverage.  I am leaning towards the latter.  And this wife of his…what the F?!  Who are you?  Where did you come from?  Why do people care about you?  Why are you the first name that pops up on Google when I start typing ‘heidi’?  What about Heidi Klum, Heidi Fleiss, that chick named Heidi who gets sent to the Swiss Alps to live with her grandfather, Heidi Cortez, Heidi with freckles from the 5th grade, Heidi from Heidi’s Hot Dogs in Pickens, South Carolina, any Heidi but Heidi Montag!  I hate you guys, a lot.

The “Cum” Shot Heard ‘Round The World…

Cum Shot

It keeps on cumming…

How much cum is too much in a cumshot?  That’s a trick question!  There can never be too much.  I have had some legendary cumshots in my day.  I remember the time I didn’t masturbate for about 2 weeks and had sex with this Brazilian girl.  I unleashed a liquid avalanche on her face (she told me I could).  I felt like I just received the Rhodes Scholarship.  Some of you might find that strange, but I prize that above the Stanley Cup or a Green Jacket.  I was a Rhodes Scholar of cumshots, I wanted to write my family and tell them the news.  I wanted to take a picture of her face and send out an email labeled “Where’s Waldo?”  Sadly, I did none of the aforementioned and just sat back down on the bed while she ran to the bathroom blindly.  I thought about Peter North for sure, and I knew in the back of my mind he was high-fiving me somewhere, maybe a meadow or a dew-covered glen.

Help Me Save The Winter Olympics, Please!

Real Winter Olympics

Olympic Bore…

Does anyone have Olympics Fever?  I didn’t think so.  The Olympics are beyond antiquated and they need some serious spicing up.  Yes, yes I saw Shaun White tear the halfpipe apart in Men’s Snowboarding; but don’t forget that a few years ago there was no snowboarding in the Winter Games.  The Olympics remind me of 70’s retro-porn.  Better yet, the Olympics are one big hairy bush of a vagina.  It seemed to garner attention in the 60’s and 70’s, much like the hairy bush.  Then it was forgotten during the 80’s when the world was crumbling.  Unlike porn, which has made a momentous comeback in the 21st century, the Olympics still retain their poor pixel quality that was once a delight in the 70’s.  I certainly do not want to chair the IOC, but I think I have a few ideas that could work.

* Naked Perfect10 Model Curling
* Naked Giant Slalom
* Naked Pairs Figure Skating
* Speed Skating with Bengal Tigers

Just a few off the top of my head.  This could really help push the Olympics into modern times and give it the facelift needed to survive another decade or two.