Real House Whores of New Jersey: Season 1

it IS a sex-tape…

That crazy bitch from The Real Housewives of New Jersey, Danielle, has a sex-tape. The whole sex-tape thing has really lost its edge though, don’t you think? I remember when the only thing on the block was Pamela Anderson getting impaled by Tommy Lee’s horse-cock. Nowadays it seems like every faux celebrity has one, and they use it to acquire more fame. This real housewife looks real nasty, wild and crazy…all of the right ingredients for a sex-tape with just one thing missing. Who the fuck are you? I can go to hundreds of “home-sex” sites on the interwebs and find tons of homemade porn. Why do I care to watch yours? It must be due to that riveting show you star in. If I come across bitter, it is because I am. That being said, I still think you all should watch the video and critique it, compare it to Kim Kardashian or Paris Hilton. It is available through Hustler, follow this link.

Public Violation: The Newest Porn Thrillride

Public Violation

PornPros: those sly dogs…

Please do not get too excited when you click on the link I have provided below.  I can assure you that it is not a compilation of my weekend escapades, although it is rather close in portrayal.  I have in fact been known to run wild in the streets and wreak havoc on every young woman I come across a la a recently released sex offender.  This new site from PornPros is amazing and I am truly at a loss for words when attempting to further describe it.  I challenge anyone to watch the trailer and not become overwhelmed with pure elation.  I especially enjoyed the drive-by ejaculations; those girls never saw it coming, and damn, was that guy fast!  He moved like the wind, like a cheetah and The Roadrunner had a baby; ninja-like.  Please, make sure you are sitting down when you watch this…

I Will Never Stop Loving The Jersey Shore

Jersey Shore

Here’s the Situation…

This is my crew for the weekend.  Holla!  We are gonna splash so much bottled water around the club while we fist pump it will make the average head explode.  I have my gel kit ready for deployment and luckily Pauly D will give me some pointers.  We have a 5:30 lift session at the gym, followed by a protein-rich dinner, then we groom ourselves for 4 hours before hittin’ da club.  I’m hoping to get J-Wow so drunk that she blows Snookie (we all know Snookie has a dick).  I think the highlight of my night will be (fingers crossed) if Ronnie teaches me his “creepy” patented move.  This could potentially be the single-greatest weekend of my life.  Wish me luck.  If anyone needs me, I will undoubtedly be in the club for 48 hours straight so holla at ya jersey Shore boy…

ET: Extra “What The Fuck Is That” Terrestrial

I am a lover of all porn.  It has been manufactured over years and years of intense web browsing and an unrivaled dedication to the finer things in life.  Every now and then I come across a little gem and it must be shared with the world.  I certainly cannot take credit for this one, but I can undoubtedly point you in the right direction.  I still think it would have been great if during mid-bang, the guy just yells “Holy Shit!! What the fuck is that!?”  Obviously he knew that there was an alien lady right next to him, but it would have made me chuckle a bit.  So, without further adieu, please click HERE when you are ready…

This Is One Way To Avoid That Hefty Cover Charge

Horny and pissed off…

This story is amazing.  A goat broke down the glass doors at a strip club in California and tore the place apart while the club was closed.  This is unprecedented in the strip club world; I am referring to the destruction, not so much the goat’s presence.  I certainly don’t think this is the first time a goat has been inside of a strip club, I am not that naive to believe a goat has never been on the stage of a strip club in Greece or West Virginia.  But why did this little guy get so enraged?  Perhaps we will shall never know.

Some minor research into goats this morning led me to the following: goats like pussy, a lot.  I suppose that isn’t much of a surprise.  To me, the most alarming part of this story is that the strip club was closed!  That is the real crime here, and the owners of this establishment should be locked up.  I have a message to all of the strip club owners out there in the world: Never close your doors, because a horny goat may want a lapdance at 5 a.m. and it just ain’t right if you don’t accommodate him.  If you need more persuasion, how about the prospect of having your club destroyed by the goat out of pure anger…