Category Archives: Celebrity

The Least Excited I Have Been About A Nipple…Ever

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She Look-a Like-a Man…

Serena Williams appears to have at least one nipple.  This doesn’t help me decide whether or not she has a penis, but it is a celebrity nipple shot, so I must share.  One day, Serena will get caught with her pants down and the world will see her penis.  Crazy…I don’t think so.  She is 6’4″, 220, runs a 4.3 40-yd dash, and can bench-press a small building.  If you saw Serena Williams standing up and pissing into a urinal would you really be shocked?  She has an adam’s apple like a parking lot speedbump; she is more man than the Great Outdoors Games.  I am pretty sure that Serena Williams gets 5 o’clock shadow at noon…

Enjoy your little watersporting session Serena, sir, you aren’t fooling anybody!

I Like This Guy…

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Palin Wasilla Heartthrob

Okay, let me recap the last calendar year for this young buck…

Levi is a badass name.  Truthfully, I may name my firstborn son, Levi.  Now I know several blogs back I expressed some interest in naming my son, Brazzer.  It is a toss up now because I feel strong about the name, Levi.  If he pulls off half of what Levi Johnston pulls off then he will be a hero.  This guy was nothing, living a meager existence in Alaska, playing a little ice hockey and perhaps a dabble of dogsledding from time to time.  He starts dating the Governor’s daughter…BOOM!  Next thing ya know, the Governor is the Republican Vice Presidential Nominee, her daughter is pregnant, and this Levi character is on the campaign trail living the dream.  A lot of people would disagree, and say no way, he is young and has a kid.  That kid is set for life, and so is Levi.  Let us not forget that Bristol Palin is a little fox too.  Levi knew what he was doing…and I am a fan.

His Playgirl shoot is getting more hype than a Jenna Jameson comeback.  I cannot say that I am eager to see the shoot, but I am anticipating this meteoric rise to continue.  Levi Johnston will probably get the nod for man of the year.  My vote will be the first one cast, and I will politic for this guy til the day he dies.  He pulled off the unthinkable and has parlayed it into a lucrative career of doing nothing substantial.  Think about that…every man’s dream.

It’s Recording…

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Carrie Prejean

How much is my sextape worth?  Probably nothing…

I am well aware of the power a sextape possesses, and if you wanna make it big in the entertainment biz…get one made ASAP.  Carrie Prejean, gay-basher of Miss America fame, was offered $1,000,000 for the rights to her solo video that surfaced recently.  Vivid Entertainment thinks it can be a top seller, just like the smash-hit Kardashian video.  Prejean apparently is not interested in the offer and I think that is career suicide.  She already slammed the gays, might as well top off that hellacious career with a solo/masturbation sextape.  Remember how horrified everyone across the nation was, when she stated her opinion on same-sex marriage.  She spoke her mind, got blasted for it, went home and masturbated, recorded it, denied it, admitted it, refused a million bucks, offer is back on the table, you suck.

What can be learned from all this sextape nonsense?  That nothing about it is nonsense!  Let the tape out in the open to run wild.  Like a cheetah on the open plain, it just wants to run free.  I think Carrie Prejean needs to sit down and have a pep talk with Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian, Tommy Lee’s penis, Paris Hilton, Bret Michaels, Paris Hilton and Paris Hilton.  They can all give her the inside scoop on just how big a sextape can make you in Hollywood.  Bret Michaels wears a bandana with hair sewn to it…end of story.  Prejean, listen up, take the money you filthy pageant-star, and blow it all on vibrators and Republican magazine subscriptions…I will still love ya.

Nip/Never Tuck…

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Eva, my love

Gimme that camera…

Oh, so close to perfection.  This is a picture I could stare at for hours, maybe days.  I think she knew what was going on here, and in case you don’t, I have circled it freehand with red.  Eva Mendes is about as hot as it gets for me.  She could run for president in Kenya, and win.  I question whether or not this photographer likes women.  I have no problem with the fact that he is gay, but I think that if he waited a half a second longer, her shirt would have opened a fraction more thus revealing a full on nipple shot.  I am not a photographer, but I would have waited, or just snapped the camera furiously until 63 pictures had been taken.  At that rate, at least one nipple shot would show up.  Celebrity nipple shots are the types of things that get me through the weekend, and this past weekend could have been much better if Eva showed a little more skin.

What is she really thinking when she goes out with that shirt on?  More so with that shirt opened, 6 buttons deep.  She is a smart girl, another reason to slide her up the marriage material ladder.  Someone in Hollywood should nab her up, and demand that she only go out in public with her nipples hanging out everywhere.  That is the mark of an amazing husband, and I am striving to be that man someday.  I know it may take a while but I am prepared for the challenge.  In the meantime, I will keep you up to date with the latest nipple slips and such.  It is only Monday and I have a feeling this could be a slippery week.

This is not Eva’s first close encounter of the nippley-kind.  She has been throwin’ tit around for years and I am documenting it.  I have all of her nipple moments logged in a special excel spreadsheet.  I will roll out the full list, with pics, when the timing is right…

Get That Guy a Hazmat Suit!!

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He’s not even using gloves…

Pamela Anderson was out and about, apparently snowboarding in someone’s backyard…what the F is she doing on the grass with a snowboard?  No one knows, but I seem to be the only guy concerned about the well-being of the gentleman strapping her into the board.  His head and neck areas are dangerously close to her snatch.  The Hepatitis C is unavoidable but for god sakes, don’t expose yourself to anything airborne.  Pamela Anderson is like the DDT of the 21st Century.  Her snatch alone is responsible for more than 862 civilian casualties.

How many damn people has she boned?  Forget it, how many damn washed-up rockstars has she boned?  More than you and I can keep track of, that is for sure…

“I’m Fuckin’ Wasted Man”…Yea pal, We Know.

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That guy...

Take it easy fella…

Great night last night. I returned to my roots and hit up a college bar.  Admittedly nervous as I approached the line to get in, but one glimpse in the reflective window on the street and I knew I was golden.  There are certain measures that must be taken when heading back to a college bar…especially when you are 25 and over.  I have prepared a list containing the 10 most important things to do when facing this type of evening.  Pay close attention, just like when you were an undergrad…and I promise you will get more action than any guy at the bar.  Now go, study…

1.) Never ever tell a girl you are leaving early because you have to work tomorrow. EVER!  You stay out late because you are a stud who doesn’t care about a little hangover…

2.) Shave the morning of…and again before you go out that night (JFK did it for his Nixon debate, practically won the election right there).

3.) Use Caution if you wear flip-flops…cool in the mirror at home but a dead giveaway at the bar for a dude in his late 20’s.

4.) If you do leave the bar with a girl…DO NOT PULL OUT A CONDOM!  Were you watching a sex-ed video last night idiot?

5.) Cargo shorts stay in the dresser…forever.

6.) Be sure to tell a girl at the bar that “I just finished a one-year graduate program at Pepperdine…but all I did was surf”…and that you may take a job with a firm “downtown” but since your only “23” , why rush?

7.) Smoke a cigarette, seriously just one, to remind her that you are still a classic college social smoker when you drink…because you love to fuckin’ drink!

8.) This one is very important…still talk like you are an undergrad.  “I hate walking to the science building” as opposed to “I hated walking to the science building”.

9.) If that awful Asher Roth song comes on, the one about loving college…you sing that song til your larynx has a seizure!

10.) Lastly, be yourself and don’t ever let anyone make you change into something you don’t wanna be…fuck that, lie about your age and get on a sophomore!

MEGAN FOX AND LANNY BARBIE WERE SEPARATED AT BIRTH!

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lannymegan

Don’t know how this has taken me so long to realize…

God must have kept them apart after birth in order to preserve mankind from annihilation.  These two are so potent, one time while they were in the same timezone a small earthquake registered on local seismographs.  If they ever crossed paths in an airport every flight would be grounded for a week…in the western hemisphere.  A group of physicists commissioned by the military tried to design a weapon that harnessed the dual energy but the laboratory blew up when both girls were notified about the project.  I was nervous about putting pictures of them so close together, it would explain why my monitor keeps flashing red and yellow.  I don’t kid about this stuff, it’s too risky.  I heard a story about a guy who Googled, “Megan and Lanny”…the internet didn’t work for 3 days, everywhere.  Proceed with caution…