Take it easy fella…

Great night last night. I returned to my roots and hit up a college bar.  Admittedly nervous as I approached the line to get in, but one glimpse in the reflective window on the street and I knew I was golden.  There are certain measures that must be taken when heading back to a college bar…especially when you are 25 and over.  I have prepared a list containing the 10 most important things to do when facing this type of evening.  Pay close attention, just like when you were an undergrad…and I promise you will get more action than any guy at the bar.  Now go, study…

1.) Never ever tell a girl you are leaving early because you have to work tomorrow. EVER!  You stay out late because you are a stud who doesn’t care about a little hangover…

2.) Shave the morning of…and again before you go out that night (JFK did it for his Nixon debate, practically won the election right there).

3.) Use Caution if you wear flip-flops…cool in the mirror at home but a dead giveaway at the bar for a dude in his late 20’s.

4.) If you do leave the bar with a girl…DO NOT PULL OUT A CONDOM!  Were you watching a sex-ed video last night idiot?

5.) Cargo shorts stay in the dresser…forever.

6.) Be sure to tell a girl at the bar that “I just finished a one-year graduate program at Pepperdine…but all I did was surf”…and that you may take a job with a firm “downtown” but since your only “23” , why rush?

7.) Smoke a cigarette, seriously just one, to remind her that you are still a classic college social smoker when you drink…because you love to fuckin’ drink!

8.) This one is very important…still talk like you are an undergrad.  “I hate walking to the science building” as opposed to “I hated walking to the science building”.

9.) If that awful Asher Roth song comes on, the one about loving college…you sing that song til your larynx has a seizure!

10.) Lastly, be yourself and don’t ever let anyone make you change into something you don’t wanna be…fuck that, lie about your age and get on a sophomore!