Category Archives: My Take

Prom Canceled…Mississippi Still The Worst State Ever

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Lesbian Prom Date

Mississippi Blows…

Of course this would only happen in Mississippi.  They just outlawed slavery last year and I think women will get to vote in 2011.  Come on Mississippi!  What’s the big deal?  You are perfectly fine with allowing gambling; but same-sex prom dates are a major no-no?  Frankly, this will not fly with me.  First, I love girl-girl action, and second, aren’t there bigger issues on your plate.  How about addressing one of the worst public school systems in the country or cutting down on your incest rate, which I am sure ranks near the top.

Constance McMillen (above) petitioned the high school, asking for permission to bring another girl as her date.  The school board responded by canceling the prom.  I cannot think of a more absurd reaction for the school board to have taken.  This is 2010.  I suppose that notion has not yet reached Fulton, Mississippi.  I can only hope that Connie’s fellow students have rallied behind her instead of blaming her for the prom shutdown. Constance is 18, so I am putting her picture up on the blog, and hopefully the ACLU gets shit done.  Something tells me that there are not too many ACLU members reading this blog though…

P-P-P-Poke-Her Face, P-P-P-Poke-Her Face…

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SPL161513_001

She’s a freak and I love it…

Lady GaGa should just do a porno and get it over with.  There are far too many provocative photos and videos circling the interwebs for her to decline.  What’s the big deal?  She could shoot the whole thing in one weekend and it would probably crash every server at every porn outfit across the land.  This thing could generate big bucks and I really think she would do it.  She could even wear one of those decorative headmasks through the whole scene.  I haven’t even thought of the penis angle yet either.  If you didn’t know already, there is a 37% chance that Lady GaGa is a hermaphrodite.  I cannot make this stuff up.  This basically cements her versatility in the adult entertainment industry.  Lady GaGa would crush Kimber James on the tranny circuit.  How many hit singles or Grammy awards does one artist need?  Get out there and make a porno, Lady GaGa, you can still dress like a circus clown and make creepy-ass music videos…we will just add one porno to your resume.

The Apple Reich: Haters Of All Adult Entertainment

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the real iPhone

Apple Doo Doo…

Apple has become the Gestapo of internet porn.  They clearly want no one looking at smut on the precious iPhone.  A recent purge of all porn-related apps has left many users upset.  What’s the big deal, anyways?  There wasn’t even a single full nudity app available, so why get rid of hotness.  That’s just it, Apple is killing hotness.  What a travesty; this is like tech segregation.  Everyone is pro-technology and all for the advancement of technology in society.  Yet advancements are made in the adult market and they get shot down by the very company pushing for innovation and growth.  I am baffled, somewhat, but I suppose I can appreciate Apple’s argument.  They are douches.

Would Anyone Really Miss These Two? Nope…

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Heidi Montag & Spencer Pratt

Who are you?

I will give someone a free password to one of the sites in our top 12 if they can explain to me exactly what these two people do for a living.  I am baffled, I’ve got nothing.  How on earth are these two neanderthals famous?  I need an explanation, pronto!  I am quite confident that if I were to see Spencer Pratt at a bar or club, there is a very good chance I’d either kick him twice in the nuts or pour Visine into his beverage.  I am leaning towards the latter.  And this wife of his…what the F?!  Who are you?  Where did you come from?  Why do people care about you?  Why are you the first name that pops up on Google when I start typing ‘heidi’?  What about Heidi Klum, Heidi Fleiss, that chick named Heidi who gets sent to the Swiss Alps to live with her grandfather, Heidi Cortez, Heidi with freckles from the 5th grade, Heidi from Heidi’s Hot Dogs in Pickens, South Carolina, any Heidi but Heidi Montag!  I hate you guys, a lot.

Help Me Save The Winter Olympics, Please!

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Real Winter Olympics

Olympic Bore…

Does anyone have Olympics Fever?  I didn’t think so.  The Olympics are beyond antiquated and they need some serious spicing up.  Yes, yes I saw Shaun White tear the halfpipe apart in Men’s Snowboarding; but don’t forget that a few years ago there was no snowboarding in the Winter Games.  The Olympics remind me of 70’s retro-porn.  Better yet, the Olympics are one big hairy bush of a vagina.  It seemed to garner attention in the 60’s and 70’s, much like the hairy bush.  Then it was forgotten during the 80’s when the world was crumbling.  Unlike porn, which has made a momentous comeback in the 21st century, the Olympics still retain their poor pixel quality that was once a delight in the 70’s.  I certainly do not want to chair the IOC, but I think I have a few ideas that could work.

* Naked Perfect10 Model Curling
* Naked Giant Slalom
* Naked Pairs Figure Skating
* Speed Skating with Bengal Tigers

Just a few off the top of my head.  This could really help push the Olympics into modern times and give it the facelift needed to survive another decade or two.

To The Ends Of The Earth I Shall Go To Find Her

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Girls Watch Too

She’s out there, somewhere…

Is it that hard to find a woman who loves porn?  I don’t really know for certain, but it will be challenging.  I do know that if you do find her, marry her immediately.  Think about the endless possibilities revolving around a girlfriend or wife with a hankering to watch porn that is deeper than yours.  I don’t know if it is possible to find someone that could outmatch myself, but there has to be a million chicks out there who love watching porn, fucking while watching porn, doing dishes while watching porn; like I said, the possibilities are endless.  Instead of the old, boring dinner and a movie on a Friday night, how about checking the latest HD update on NaughtyAmerica or BangBros.  A woman who is down for that kind of an evening is a special woman indeed.  She should be tucked away for safe-keeping and never let her leave the house because she will be irreplaceable I assure you.

Me: Honey, what time are we watching ‘Cassie’s Anal Revenge’ tonight?

Honey: Hmm, I need to call my sister and then pay a few bills online, then I should be ready

Me: Ok great, so I have time to watch the end of the game?

Honey: Of course, dear.  I love watching porn with you.  Oh gosh, I’m wet already

Yes, I know this is my hypothetical dialogue, but it has a hell of an appeal, right?  It reminds me of the girlfriend in the beginning of ‘Old School’ that gets caught watching porn during her attempted threesome while Luke Wilson’s character, Mitch, was out of town.  Vince Vaughn had it right when he said to Luke Wilson, “a girl like that comes along once every 100 years”.  I am hoping the chances of finding a girl that into porn aren’t as stark as century-long odds, but I know it will be difficult.  The journey continues, a long and hard road, but the prize…oh my, the prize is worth the effort.

Missionary Position…Be Sure To Wear A Wrist Guard

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Carpel Tunnel

Never Again…

I just read an article that highlighted a medical journal submission stating that the missionary position causes carpal tunnel syndrome.  This is old news people and that is why I only recommend a few positions during sexual intercourse.  Men work the wrist enough during masturbation; no need to exacerbate the issue with excessive stress during a boring position.  Missionary is the worst.  Your heads are too close to each other, opening the door to potential sweet nothings being whispered…and we all know that can fuck up a good lay.  Take doggystyle for example, you don’t even need to make eye contact.  Somewhat taxing on the knees, certainly, but overall a fantastic position.  Cowgirl is great too, let her ride you until the sun comes up; reverse it, then once more no eye contact is required.  If she asks for missionary, give her one simple response: “Baby, that causes carpel tunnel syndrome”.