Monthly Archives: January 2010

The Boner: The Last Bastion Of Freedom…

Posted on by

Boner

I’m kind of a BIG deal…

I wake up every morning with a raging boner, flip on ESPN and see a commercial for Cialis or Viagra and wonder when the day will come that I don’t wake up with that mega-boner.  It haunts my dreams, seriously.  I am scared to death of impending flaccid doom and all of the inner anguish associated with it.  Find me one man out there who is not slightly concerned about the day his boner stops “boner-ing” and I will show you a man who was once a man, but not anymore.  His boner is already gone, and his brain has turned to mush a la those catchy Hulu commercials.  Just keep an eye on your boner, men.  All of these boner medicine advertisements remind me of the depressing ‘Save the Polar Bear’ p.s.a.’s I see with some washed up celebrity.  Live on boner, extinction is a no-no.

If These Pews Could Talk, They’d Have Great Stories…

Posted on by

Forgive Me

Leave it to the Germans to disgrace everything holy about a church on Sunday.  I am not the most religious man, nor will I ever be, but I don’t know if I could have sex in a church let alone even get a boner in church!  Who gets hard in church?  Okay, clearly some people have gotten hard in church (sorry Bishop).  A German police officer thought it would be the grandest idea to bang his girlfriend during a service last week.  Not his best move.  He was discovered during the act, subsequently recognized because he is a cop, and now faces up to three years behind bars.  You just don’t fuck in a church, people, for all kinds of reasons, you just don’t do it!  Couldn’t he have waited for the sermon to end, at least taken communion first?  No, he was eager to bone in a church, so he did.

There are valuable lessons to be learned here.  Never go to a church with a girl you wanna have sex with (why do you think so many married people are at church, huh!).  Although the church has become a damned Red-light District over the past decade for various reasons; still don’t think it is the place for banging.  Keep it in your pants until the final Amen, shake a few hands in the lobby and go home and fuck whoever the hell you want!  And you can even repent about it the following morning at confession…

Tell Your Boss That You Are Busy Watching Porn…

Posted on by

I like this guy...

No one worked harder than Bob…

I wasn’t always working for an adult entertainment company.  I usually get a little chuckle when I think about my old co-workers faces if had they seen me browsing the web for porn at my old office.  I’ve had several jobs, pre and post college, that would have fired me in an instant if I was looking at porn.  The taboo state of porn in the office is a joke.  What is really wrong with a little lunch-hour movie watching?

Offices should institute a few ground rules and allow some porn in the workplace.  I’d lay 10:1 odds that the general morale of the employees would skyrocket.  And I don’t wanna hear anyone bitching about the horrors of letting porn in the workplace, especially not from some 62 year old secretary named Gladys.  She was probably giving out handies in the 3rd floor storage closet when I was in diapers.  Let it be, let the porn flow through the cubicles.  Like I said, a few ground rules can really help keep this thing efficient.  NO DOWNLOADING!  Ever!  Just stream it.  That would be my “Rule #1″ because God forbid you attach the wrong file in an email and send one of your best customers the latest episode of ‘Shlongs N’ Thongs’.  Actually, forget that rule, send the episode to your customer by accident, they will love it.  I really can’t find a single reason to eliminate porn from the workplace.  If anyone comes up with anything please let me know, but I think you won’t.