But I Thought Pulling Out was 87% Effective, Right?

FC2Condom_Full

Version 2.0 of the Female Condom is here, and it doesn’t sound like your banging a trashbag anymore.  The FC2 is designed by Chicago based Female Health Company and get this, it’s cheaper than the original.  I think we have a homerun here.  This thing was like Pepsi Clear when it first debuted in the 90’s, and just like the soft drink, the female condom vanished and most execs try to forget it ever happened.  But it’s back with a new look and new feel.

The major complaint with the first female condom was its annoying squeakiness, which had ladies miffed and dudes saying, “what the eff?”  That problem was solved through the use of a different material for the new version.  Nitrile instead of polyurethane.  Basically the female condom went from non-alcoholic to 180 proof, overnight.  This is like the guy who first used Kevlar, you know he is on a beach somewhere sitting pretty.  The other major change is now it doesn’t run you 4 bucks a pop.  One thing hasn’t changed about the female condom though, it still looks like a jellyfish.  Not that the male condom doesn’t possess some marine qualities, but the female variety definitely looks like something that could sting the crap out of you mid-ocean.  Have fun sticking your dick in there…just make sure you ask her if she has a female condom in, because it can really catch you off guard and ruin the entire evening.

The Silent Assassin…

faking it

Just Tell Me it’s bad…I’ll live.

I wanna talk about fakers, and I want them to listen up too.  Why?  What’s going on there?  Is it not bad enough already, just let me die, no need to rub it in!  I have been with an (obvious) faker, and I have been with a girl who literally laid there like a mannequin…both were alarming to say the least.  But the more I think about it now, the girl who just laid there was very creepy.  She did not utter a word, nothing…

It’s highly unlikely the girl who said nothing was actually experiencing pure ecstasy and simply failed to mention anything.  No, she was not enjoying the moment, and I felt like a douche.  I remember stopping mid-bang and saying “wow this is really not doing anything for you huh”.  To which she replied “of course it feels good, would I be sweating like this if it didn’t feel really good”.  The answer was yes…yes you would be sweating regardless because my apartment was hotter than purgatory.

So what do I make of all this?  I’m not sure, but I do remember walking around my apartment the days following the silent assassin and thinking, “is it me?”  No way, I have had many a lady tell me I was a fantastic lover, and there is no way I under-achieved that night.  I think this girl was just sexually challenged and I actually feel bad for her.

The moral of this story is: Sweat, or no sweat…if she isn’t screaming at the top of her lungs, don’t believe a word she is saying.

Plus I’m Gettin’ Brain from this Chick like Woah!

09.jpg (JPEG Image, 800x533 pixels)_1253796213669

How many dicks is that? A LOT!

The perfect blowjob is something of legend.  A tale passed down from generation to generation amongst brotherhoods of men across the globe.  I myself have heard such stories but always dismissed them as old wives tales and common folklore.  I mean come on, haven’t we all had a great blowjob – but it could have been better and you know it!

Where is the perfect blowjob?

I can’t say with full confidence that I could locate the perfect blowjob…It’s harder to find than Waldo.  But, I can point you in the right direction.  This website I recently scoped out was impressive, and could be the cyberspace summerhouse for the perfect BJ.  OnlyBlowjob is a dick sucking paradise, where facials and deepthroat are as common as hello and goodbye.  One blowjob not enough?  How about 10 girls fighting over it, all of which are capable of giving you maximum orgasm.  I’m a sucker for a good POV blowjob scene as well, and this site has the best.  Hot chicks giving head, in perfect fashion.

* Quick side note — I punched in “perfect blowjob” on my GPS…the blue screen of death appeared (on a GPS!!)

CHRISTMAS COMES EARLY, AND I HAVE A G.I.F.T. FOR YOU…

Amateur porn from Bang Bros_1253732757405

G.I.F.T. = Girl I Found Today

The holidays may be months away, but I would like to give you a present…a G.I.F.T., a “Girl I Found Today” and it is imperative that you take 5 minutes out of your day and stare at her.  This is Lisa Lee and I am pretty sure she can rock my world and potentially cause an 8.3 magnitude earthquake in the process.  I watched some footage of her and it was marvelous. She is already a pro and I am officially a fan!

Stay tuned for weekly G.I.F.T.’s – for more Lisa Lee check with the good fellas at Bangbros.

The 8TH AND 9TH CONTINENTS DISCOVERED…

Maxi_MoundsYes, that’s a certificate of authenticity…

These are the biggest boobs in the world.  If you don’t believe me just ask Guinness.  I will not argue with a book of world records, but I will pose this query: Shouldn’t she be in the book for something else too?

The answer is YES and the reason being she is the Most Dangerous Female on the planet.  I did a little research on this Maxi Mounds lady and what I uncovered was both ridiculously incredible and shockingly horrifying.  4 mysterious deaths surround Ms. Mounds and she has never been brought up on charges.  All were in the heat of the moment and classified as “accidental deaths”.  3 suffocated and 1 poor soul actually had a brain hemorrhage when Mounds swung around and hit him by mistake in the side of the head with her left breast.  Her boobs must weigh 27 lbs. each!  And don’t forget about the guys who went into that 10,000 foot crevasse between her boobs and never made it back.  You need more oxygen tanks in there than you would climbing Everest.  They just wanted an experience, never realizing it was like running the gauntlet.  NASA is currently working on a self propelled device to navigate the region between Mounds’ breasts but cannot create a sustainable wall thickness on the metal…it keeps imploding from the pressure.

Sweet and bubbly exterior, beware the dark abyss of cleavage mortality within.  She is currently traveling the country dancing and (accidentally) killing men…just stay away if she nears your city.  Rumor has it she rents studio apartments under her left breast and her right breast still has 3 condo units available, one of them right off the 6th fairway.

MOWIN’ THE LAWN…

Georgia Jones 017.jpg - Fine Erotics_1253803757017

Proper shaving has become a lost art.  Thank goodness for the ALSscan.com girls

Everyone loves a clean-shaven face, so it is entirely natural that the clean-shaven pussy phenomenon has taken off the past few years.  There is something so perfect about a completely bald pussy.  As you take her pants off like you were unwrapping a Christmas present…and OH there it is, the gift you were looking for: a perfectly shaved pussy.

ALS Scan is a bald and smooth paradise.  The gorgeous young babes go on for cyber-miles, and the footage is all spectacular.  I am officially endorsing this site, and there was not a single razorbump to slow me down.  All Ladies Shaved…say it in the mirror 3 times with the lights off!  Actually don’t do that, pretty sure that is the horror theme in Candyman.  And I cannot guarantee that when you turn the lights on a perfectly shaved girl will be there…just check out ALS Scan and call it a night.

MY HIGH SCHOOL SUCKED…

hot for teacher

I probably should have transferred to this school…

I never had a teacher with big tits, or even decent tits.  That is a crime isn’t it?  I should have contacted my Congressman and brought this to his attention.  He seemed like a cool guy and probably would have made the necessary changes.  I soldiered on, but once Big Tits at School surfaced, I was a wreck.

I love the website and it really does present its members with that fantasy they all wish they had.  Everyone has a story, their brothers friend has a cousin who knew this kid that banged his english teacher.  Yea I made that one up too, and no one freekin’ bought it.  The only teacher/student sex stories that are true involve a 40 year old chick and a 12 year old boy.  Or a creepy chemistry teacher that thinks the head cheerleader wants his knob.  Both are true, but the latter seems to be a common theme in high school drama related films.

If you wanna see some seriously hot pornstars in teacher/student porn then get your ass to NudeReviews and check out the info on Big Tits at School.  Another gift from the Brazzers crew that seems to be a mega-hit.  I particularly like the scenes that feature girls in the student role…I shoulda been a teacher.  I probably wouldn’t have lasted 5 minutes in a high school as an instructor.  But I have a great website to live vicariously through…