I’m not gonna knock sex toys, but come on now, what did our ancestors use?

Is a sex toy something so elaborate nowadays that an award must be given each year…yes it is.  Evolved Novelties, the adult toy company, took home the award for Best Toy Collection at the Erotixxx Awards for the second straight year.  It makes me think about masturbation in the 18th century.  I know that’s an awful thought, all things considered, but listen…

In Colonial Times people were wound up so tight, literally and figuratively.  They wore so many damn layers of clothing that sex was more of a chore, with all of the undressing it must have taken half a day.  Not to mention, men were never around.  They were off tending to the crops or fighting Indians a three days ride away from the farm.  Women have needs and I’m no fool.  I know that they masturbated when their husbands were out of town.  You must be asking yourselves, what did they use?  I will tell you, a cucumber.  Maybe a carrot, possibly a slender butternut squash.  They were not lucky enough to have sex toys in their era, and had to use ingenuity and creativity to figure out how to get off.  So the next time you see some fancy dildo or anal vibrator, just remember, it was not that long ago when a quick trip to the garden would cure the masturbation craving…