You Take The Right, I’ve Got The Left…

Ass me another question…

Are you an ass man?  I am, tits too, but I do have a soft spot in my heart for an amazing ass.  A great butt is capable of rendering men speechless for hours at a time.  Then when you finally regain the ability to speak, all you can do is discuss that perfect butt for the next day and a half.  It’s a vicious cycle that most men eagerly welcome into their lives.  The butt has an almost superhuman quality about it; one that I cannot pinpoint precisely.  Perhaps I am too young still, and the comprehension of certain mysteries of the world are just not in my grasp yet.  I will get there one day, no doubt.  In the meantime, everyone should buy this book.

The Coolest Chick In Cali Is Allie Haze

Real hot and right next door…

I interviewed Allie Haze yesterday and I am quite sure that I want to marry her.  We chatted about her fiancee for a bit, I brushed it off, she is waiting for me.  No joke though, she is about as cool as it gets and I think I’m in love.  The interview will be posted very soon but in the meantime check out her profile.  She looks a little like Tori Black…and if you know the blog then you are well versed on my affinity for Miss Black.  But I think Allie Haze may have just taken the lead…and she knows what time it is in Australia.

Touch Them, It’s A God Damn Suicide Mission

This is pure, uncut, 100%, potent and lethal danger.  This woman will kill you.  It’s not a question of how, but when.  It is pretty damn obvious how she will murder you.  Look at those boobs, they are the size of life rafts.  Who on Earth was dating this woman?  More importantly, who are his friends?  They are clearly shitty friends for not warning him of the danger-zone he was entering.  I wouldn’t go in there unless I was wearing the iron scuba suit that navy divers wore in the 1940’s.  Her boobs are biological weapons.  This is truly an alarming video, it should be played to all 6th grade boys gym classes in order to prevent future disasters.

Blueberry, Bran, Banana Nut or Chocolate Chip

Someone in my office told me the other day that I had a Muffin Top.  Bullshit.  I am far from it and resent the notion that my midsection even slightly resembles this picture.  There are obviously places you can get away with a Muffin Top though, and kudos to those gals who wanna wear a top like this girl (pictured above).  She is in some kind of music store, maybe FYE or BestBuy, definitely somewhere south of the Mason-Dixon Line or west of the Mississippi River.  Muffin Tops are undoubtedly a geo-specific occurrence.  You won’t catch a Muffin Top on the corner of 42nd and Lexington in Manhattan, just ain’t gonna happen.  However, you might catch two Muffin Tops at the intersection of Main Street and Dale Earnhardt Drive.  That is a fact and I can produce pictures to prove my theory.  So I guess the Muffin Top will continue to thrive in certain regions and continue to be a staple at most Nascar events.  Muffin Top themed porn has yet to break through, but I have my hopes.

What Is The World Coming To?

Sorry if this ruins your Friday.  If it does, take solace in the fact that it already destroyed my entire weekend.  The nerve of this guy though, no smile or wink – not even a slight wide-eyed expression – nothing.  This guy is an ungrateful mess and I cannot believe he has his own website.  He is an Italian Hoagie personified and he should be grinning ear to ear whenever a woman is on his lap (naked or not).  I’m not saying that this girl is a 10, by any means, but she is certainly not a 1.  She is like an 11 for him.  A 1 is all that this slob of a man deserves…so unsettling.

Allie Haze Transcript…

Allie Haze: Hello?

Nude Reviews: Allie, hi! It’s Mack at Nude Reviews. How are you?

Allie Haze: I’m good, how are you?

NR: Sorry for running a little bit late, I apologize.

Allie Haze: It’s okay. [Laugh]

NR: So how are you? What are you up to?

Allie Haze: Uh, nothing, just watching the races right now.

NR: The race?

Allie Haze: Yeah, the NASCAR Nationwide Race Bowl.

NR: You’re a NASCAR Fan?

Allie Haze: Yeah. [Laugh]

NR: From Southern California and you like NASCAR?

Allie Haze: Yeah.

NR: Oh my god, that’s disappointing.

Allie Haze: [Laugh]

NR: You should be from Texas. You’re not like most Cali girls, I’ve noticed. You don’t have the platinum blonde hair, and the whole plastic look.  You’re pretty much like the girl-next-door kind of look.

Allie Haze: Uh, yes I am.

NR: Is that the plan going forward or do you think you might want to change things up?

Allie Haze: Uh, no, I’m probably not going to change anything.

NR: That’s about it. Okay. What’s the weather like today?

Allie Haze: Um, it’s really nice out here, really awesome.

NR: That’s nice. We’re in Miami so we’re used to good weather too, definitely.

Allie Haze: Oh, okay.  [Laugh]

NR: Yeah, absolutely. So how’d you find your way into the industry? How’d it all start?

Allie Haze: Uh, I actually, I’ve done modeling pretty much for the most part of my life and uh, I married and then divorced and then I kind of just did my own thing. And then I met the guy that I’m with now and I wanted to get back into it and he had known some people, just in general that…photos, any kind, both main stream and in the industry. And I, you know, was expressing that I wanted to get back into it and we had talked about it and he was like “Oh, well do you mind doing nude modeling?” and I was like “No, not at all, I’m totally cool”. So um, I was actually started doing the nude modeling and then, I was actually a lesbian before I became a bisexual.

NR: Really?

Allie Haze: Yeah, so I’ve always really been into girls and that’s always been a part of my life that I’ve never been willing to give up.

NR: Okay.

Allie Haze: So from there I just start doing, you know, I told them, well you know, I kind of want to start doing this girl-girl stuff, you know. It’s better than finding someone, ‘cause I used to work at a bar, you know, it’s better than hitting on girls at the bar and bringing them home .

NR: It’s a little bit easier, right?

Allie Haze: [Laugh] Yeah.

NR: Exactly, it’s a guarantee, every time.

Allie Haze: Yeah, from there I just started doing girl-girl and then all of a sudden I started doing boy-girl and now I’m here.

NR: Just doing a little bit of everything now?

Allie Haze: Yeah.

NR: So what’s up with the last name? Are you like a Jenna Haze fan, or what?

Allie Haze: Uh, no, it has nothing to do with that. It’s actually, my fiancé’s last name is Haze and I knew nothing of porn before I started to work.

NR: Oh, that’s his actual last name?

Allie Haze: Yeah.

NR: That’s pretty cool, I like it. Do you, um…

Allie Haze: Thank you.

NR: Do your parents know that you’re not just modeling anymore?

Allie Haze: Uh, yeah, my parents found out earlier this year.

NR: And are they supportive or…what’s up with that?

Allie Haze: Um, well, half my family is. My parents are divorced so half my family is kind of like it’s not the coolest thing in the world but it’s your life and you’re going to live it however you want to, you know. Just be careful, be safe and that’s about it. And then the other half is not so happy. [Laugh]

NR: Aw, well, ultimately it’s up to you so you know.

Allie Haze: Yeah, exactly.

NR: What um, so what do all your old friends think? Like, your high school friends? Do you have like any ex-boyfriends running around bragging that they used to get with a porn start?

Allie Haze: No, you know, I kind of don’t talk to anyone from high school or anything like that. I don’t really know anyone from my past, I guess you could say. It’s not necessarily my past but like from growing up I don’t really know or talk to anybody.

NR: You’ve severed all ties?

Allie Haze: Yeah, pretty much. I mean, I lived in such a small town growing up. It was either like get sucked in or get the fuck out.

NR: So you got the fuck out? I like it.

Allie Haze: Yeah, I got the fuck out. I did not want to be a hometown girl for the rest of my life.

NR: Nah, it’s a good move.

Allie Haze: I hear stories every now and then about people that are like, they were high school sweethearts, they’re still together and now how this girl is now dating her older brother. So now somehow they’re sisters and kind of related and I’m like “oh my god, I’m so glad I’m not a part of this anymore”.

NR: So it’s probably pickup truck involved somewhere along there too.

Allie Haze: Yeah, probably.

NR: Yeah, no, I’m glad you got out of there. So you’re 22 now, right?

Allie Haze: Yeah, I’m 22, my birthday is next month.

NR:  What’s it? May 10th, right?

Allie Haze: Yeah.

NR: Now, so, five years from now, you’re 27 years old. Where do you see yourself in the industry?

Allie Haze: Um, I don’t like to make predictions. I kind of like to live day-to-day and just go with the flow. Um, I don’t necessarily like have a, it sounds bad to say I don’t have a goal, but it’s not that I don’t have a goal, I just don’t want to put limitations and expectations on myself.

NR: I think that’s great. I like that.

Allie Haze: And yeah, not achieve them either way. So I’m kind of, like I said, I’m kind of just going with the flow and seeing what happens and what opportunities arise. So I try to jump on as quick as a I can and go from there.

NR: Absolutely. Did you um, did you go to AVN this year?

Allie Haze:  Yeah, actually, I was really lucky even being so new I got to sign so…

NR: Was that your first time there?

Allie Haze: Um, yeah, it’s the first time I’ve ever been. Um, I actually didn’t get to attend the awards um, ‘cause I was signing the next day and I didn’t want to go out and be out late all night and then not be ready to meet all my fans. I’m really big on my fans. Like, I love meeting my fans, I love doing events.

NR: Absolutely, you have to be.

Allie Haze: Yeah, I was actually the only girl, I was like the first girl on the floor and the only one that was there on time or awake on time.

NR: The fans will appreciate stuff like that, trust me.

Allie Haze: Yeah, and they really do, I was surprised.

NR: Do you uh, any performers that you met there that you hadn’t met before, like people you really look up to in the industry or people that maybe inspire you as you move forward?

Allie Haze: Um, you know, I haven’t really met anybody there, um, I didn’t really get to meet people. I’ve met, since there I’ve met people. Um, at Xbiz I met Tori Black for the first time. Everybody says that I look like I can be her little sister.

NR: Oh my god, that was my next question!

Allie Haze: Yeah, everybody says that I’m like pretty much her little sister. So…

NR: You look just like Tori Black.

Allie Haze: It’s pretty cool, it’s a cool compliment.

NR: You do, you look just like her. Maybe you’ll win as many AVNs as her next year, that’d be awesome.

Allie Haze: I know, who knows, it would be cool, um.

Allie Haze: Yeah, we got to meet and we took a picture together and it’s like really creepy but it’s really cool at the same time.

NR: I’d like to see that picture, I really would.

Allie Haze: Um, yeah, I posted it on Twitter. I can repost it. Hold on, my dogs are fighting. [To dogs] You guys, knock it off. Shush. [To Nude Reviews] Sorry.

NR: Nah, it’s alright, what kind of dogs?

Allie Haze: Wild animals! We just got a baby Rot [Rottweiler] and then I have an English Bulldog mix.

NR: That’s awesome, I like it.

Allie Haze: Yeah, they’re having a wrestling match.

NR: So you’re still living in California, right?

Allie Haze: Yeah, mhm, I’m still in California.

NR: Nice, who um, tell me someone that you’d like to work with that you haven’t worked with yet. Who would be like your…

Allie Haze: Guys or girls?

NR: Both.

Allie Haze: Um, well, I always say with girls it’s, right now with girls. Like I’d obviously love to work with Tori Black and it’s either Tori Black or Bobbi Starr, my two picks right now.

NR: You guys could do like a twin-sister thing.

Allie Haze: I know, it’s just up to somebody to put it together. I’m still so, it’s crazy because I’m, like I said, I’m new but I’m not. I’m 8 months in but [To dogs] Oh, stop it! Go outside now, both of you.

NR: Oh dear.

Allie Haze: I’m new, but I’m not. I haven’t shot for a lot of companies.

NR: Okay…

Allie Haze: So you know, I’m shooting for New Sensations for the first time this month.

NR: Yeah, like you said, just eight months into the biz, yeah.

Allie Haze: Yeah, so, you know, I tell some people I’m new and then I tell them eight months and they’re like “Oh, you ain’t new no more” and I’m like “Oh, okay?”

NR: [laughs] Yeah.

Allie Haze: Yeah, I kind of feel like I don’t know. Like it’s good and it’s bad, I mean, I haven’t shot for Zero, I haven’t shot for um, I haven’t shot for Bang [Bros.], I haven’t shot for a lot of companies, so…

NR: No, you’ve got some things to do then. You’ve got a to-do list for sure.

Allie Haze: Yeah, I know. My fans create little checklists.

NR: Nah, trust me, whatever you can do to keep them happy. What’s um, what’s something you can tell me that maybe your fans might not know about you already?

Allie Haze: I know, I get that question all the time. My answer is always I can touch my tongue to my nose? I mean, I don’t know, I don’t really…there’s not really much that I don’t, that I keep under wraps from my fans.

NR: You try to tell them everything?

Allie Haze: Yeah! I’m on Twitter 24/7. Um, I’m huge on the whole, you know, if you have questions, critiques or anything you’d like to say to me, go ahead and say it. I mean, I’ve got pretty thick skin.

NR: Mhm.

Allie Haze: Um, and my theory is, you know, if you expect to be an ass to me, expect an ass back. It’s just the way…

NR:  [Laughs] I like it, I like it.

Allie Haze: You know what I mean? It’s just the kind of person I am. If you want to be real with me and tell me that I suck at what I do, then rock on, you know. I’m gonna say thank you for your opinion, and you know, you better justify it, so…

NR: I certainly don’t think so, I think you rock at what you do so…

Allie Haze: Aw, well thank you! I’m like,

NR: So, you’ve got my vote.

Allie Haze: I’m a big critiquer. I like constructive criticism.

NR: Well it helps, yeah.

Allie Haze: Yeah, it does, and even in, before I started porn, I mean, I was, I’m a certified vet assistant and I was also an accountant.

NR: Oooh.

Allie Haze: So it’s like in the real world, I don’t call it…it’s so weird how like porn people talk. Like, I’m starting to pick up on the lingo too. It’s like “The Real World” and I’m like “Why do I say that?”

NR: Yeah, be careful.

Allie Haze: I know! I’m like “Why do I say that?” It sounds, it sounds so bad.

NR: Nah, it’s not bad.

Allie Haze: But when I had, you know, a desk job, it was like constructive criticism all the time. It’s all you got. So you had to learn to take it or you’d lose the job.

NR: Exactly, exactly.

Allie Haze: So, and that’s how I apply it for porn too. It’s like, I like constructive criticism if I’m doing that’s not attractive, you know, or if you feel I’m not…I mean, I truly believe you can be bad at porn.

NR: No, I think you’ve got the right approach for sure, and I think uh, if you take an approach like that, I think you’ll see the benefits and you’ll see the dividends down the road for sure.

Allie Haze: Yeah.

NR: Alright, I’m gonna throw a couple of quick ones at you and I want you to just tell me the first thing that pops into your head, okay?

Allie Haze: Okay…

NR: What’s your favorite cereal?

Allie Haze: Um, what’s it called? Frosted Wheaties? What are they called?

NR: Frosted Mini Wheats?

Allie Haze: Yeah!

NR: Okay.

Allie Haze: I got them on my fridge. I’m looking at my fridge right now. Frosted Mini Wheats, that’s what they’re called.

NR: What’s um, what’s your dream car?

Allie Haze: My dream car?

NR: Mhm.

Allie Haze: Oh wow, I haven’t thought about that in a while. Oh wait, I know this, a Hummer.

NR: A Hummer?

Allie Haze: Like the original ones.

NR: Oh, the old school, the military ones.

Allie Haze: Yeah, the old school. The military ones, the big, big ones.

NR: Um, what’s your favorite position?

Allie Haze: Oooh, it changes. [Laughs] I know I used to say doggie style but now I kind of like being on top.

NR: Hm, okay, that’s fine, there’s nothing wrong with that. What’s um, what’s your favorite food?

Allie Haze: Jalapeño poppers.

NR: Really?

Allie Haze: Mhm. [Laughs]

NR: What’s your dream vacation spot?

Allie Haze: Um, Greece.

NR: What time is it in Australia right now?

Allie Haze: Oh lord!

NR: I’m just joking! I’m joking! I’m just kidding! No one…

Allie Haze: Makes me look stupid!  I’m like “Okay, I got the computer, alright, Australia’s time”. [Laughs]

NR: [Laughs] I’m just messing with you. Nobody knows the answer to that, don’t worry.

Allie Haze: I’ll find an answer for you.

NR: No, it’s actually, it’s tomorrow there so don’t even worry about it.

Allie Haze: [Laughs] Okay.

NR: I’m just joking, I thought I’d just throw you one at the end there. I’m sorry.

Allie Haze: Now I really want to know.

NR: I’ll tell you what, we’ll um, we’ll post it on the Nude Reviews’s Twitter and then, you know, you can find out what time it is in Australia, I promise.

Allie Haze: It’s 7:23 on Tuesday.

NR: Oh, look at you. On the ball!

Allie Haze: [Laughs} 7:23 AM.

NR: On the ball. I like it. No, Allie, you’ve been a blast to chat with and I really appreciate you giving us a little bit of time today and um.

Allie Haze: No problem! I love it, I love interviews. They’re so much fun.

NR: No, thank you. And um, everyone at Nude Reviews, we all think you have a really bright future in the business so I wish you all the best and keep up the good work, okay?

Allie Haze: Aw, thank you guys!

NR: Alright Allie, take care.

Allie Haze: You too, have a great day!

NR: Bye!

Allie Haze: Have a good week!

NR: Thank you!

Allie Haze: Alright, bye.

Nevada Man-Whore Calls It Quits…So Sad

Gigolo

Male Hookers: an Endangered Species

There are 2 possible scenarios here: this guy either sucks at sexing women, or it is in fact true that women never pay for sex.  I think it’s a balanced blend of both.  Women really shouldn’t have to pay for sex, ever.  There is always a dude out there that will bang anything, trust me.  But, this guy probably was a pretty bad lay.  I imagine that hookers get a lot of referral business, and clearly Markus’ clients were not satisfied enough to tell their friends.  The whole idea of a male prostitute, or prostitude, seems like the greatest job in the world.  This role has been embellished in films like Loverboy and Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo (the actual gigolo, not Deuce).  The films paint the gigolo role in a fantastic and exotic light.  There are an abundance of hot women calling non-stop to be pleasured by a prostitude.  I always knew that this was, for the most part, untrue; but this gigolo in Nevada must have watched these movies a few too many times.