This Is Straighter Than A Straight Line

Is the Eiffel Tower gay? And I am talking about the sexual maneuver, not the hunk of metal in Paris. I feel strongly that this move, requiring two guys and one girl, is not in any way gay. Back me up here people. The debate raged on in my office for over an hour, and apparently I am the only one who felt this way. Am I gay? I doubt it, but my entire office might be homophobic. The Eiffel Tower is one of those rare moments in sex history when two men must seize the day and take advantage of this glorious opportunity presented before them. And just remember, afterward, you will be overcome with elation but don’t kiss the girl…she had your friend’s dick in her mouth. Kissing her would be super gay.

Soap, Ass, 3-D Glasses…My Weekend Is Set!

Happy Friday. I will most likely be drunk in about 2 hours, so what I am about to say at this moment is of the utmost important. Follow my footsteps, there will be plenty of porn to look at when you get back from the bar, or even tomorrow. It is the weekend. I want you to go bang some strange ass, super strange in fact. Get up in there and do the things they only write about…you know what I’m talking about. I have provided a glimpse (above) to give you a step in the right direction. And remember, if it looks dodgy, chances are that it probably is…just double-bag it.

My Kind Of After-School Special…

I know what you are thinking? Are they legal? I have your answer right here: who cares. I know I don’t, I found them online and it wasn’t on 12yearoldsurprise.com (that’s not a real site you sicko) so as far as I am concerned, it’s legit. They look so sweet, ready to party, ready for whatever comes their way. This picture is perfect…

My Favorite Position Reveals Nothing! Nothing!

As long as I can bust…

I am a butt man, sure. I am also a tits guy, so…where do I fall on this list? After reading through the article I realized that I am a combination of several of these rankings. If I were backed into a corner however, I would have to say #5 (the lazy man that likes cowgirl). Does that make me a bad lay? I doubt it, it just means that I admire a woman’s breasts and ass, and like to be able to grab them both while having sex, all while sitting on my couch. Is that awful? No, it’s economical and advantageous for me. I won’t get tired as a result and probably last longer. When I get behind a girl it is reminiscent of Christmas morning. I cannot be expected to contain myself and will probably blow a load in 12 seconds. Call me lazy, fine; but my experiences have shown that letting her ride one out on top is just fine and dandy. She will be happy and I can most likely still keep one eye on SportsCenter…

This Guy Hates Sex…And He’s Rubbing It In

Seriously?

Read an article this morning about a married couple that is having issues. The wife wants sex all the time…that’s the marital issue. So, umm, what’s the problem? Is this husband for real? What an ungrateful bastard. He should be kneeling beside his bed every evening thanking God for the gift he was given. Wives don’t want to fuck, girlfriends do…everyone knows that. They fuck you so that you ask them to marry you, then the sex stops. This guy finds the diamond in the rough and he is claiming it to be an “issue” – buck up cowboy and do the rest of the married men out there a favor. None of them are getting ass. They used to, and then they got married…

You Take The Right, I’ve Got The Left…

Ass me another question…

Are you an ass man?  I am, tits too, but I do have a soft spot in my heart for an amazing ass.  A great butt is capable of rendering men speechless for hours at a time.  Then when you finally regain the ability to speak, all you can do is discuss that perfect butt for the next day and a half.  It’s a vicious cycle that most men eagerly welcome into their lives.  The butt has an almost superhuman quality about it; one that I cannot pinpoint precisely.  Perhaps I am too young still, and the comprehension of certain mysteries of the world are just not in my grasp yet.  I will get there one day, no doubt.  In the meantime, everyone should buy this book.

Blueberry, Bran, Banana Nut or Chocolate Chip

Someone in my office told me the other day that I had a Muffin Top.  Bullshit.  I am far from it and resent the notion that my midsection even slightly resembles this picture.  There are obviously places you can get away with a Muffin Top though, and kudos to those gals who wanna wear a top like this girl (pictured above).  She is in some kind of music store, maybe FYE or BestBuy, definitely somewhere south of the Mason-Dixon Line or west of the Mississippi River.  Muffin Tops are undoubtedly a geo-specific occurrence.  You won’t catch a Muffin Top on the corner of 42nd and Lexington in Manhattan, just ain’t gonna happen.  However, you might catch two Muffin Tops at the intersection of Main Street and Dale Earnhardt Drive.  That is a fact and I can produce pictures to prove my theory.  So I guess the Muffin Top will continue to thrive in certain regions and continue to be a staple at most Nascar events.  Muffin Top themed porn has yet to break through, but I have my hopes.