I Will Never Stop Loving The Jersey Shore

Jersey Shore

Here’s the Situation…

This is my crew for the weekend.  Holla!  We are gonna splash so much bottled water around the club while we fist pump it will make the average head explode.  I have my gel kit ready for deployment and luckily Pauly D will give me some pointers.  We have a 5:30 lift session at the gym, followed by a protein-rich dinner, then we groom ourselves for 4 hours before hittin’ da club.  I’m hoping to get J-Wow so drunk that she blows Snookie (we all know Snookie has a dick).  I think the highlight of my night will be (fingers crossed) if Ronnie teaches me his “creepy” patented move.  This could potentially be the single-greatest weekend of my life.  Wish me luck.  If anyone needs me, I will undoubtedly be in the club for 48 hours straight so holla at ya jersey Shore boy…

I Would Take A 3-Day Hike In Her Breasts

53450389PH5466_portrait

Jubblies!

Who is Salma Hayek’s agent?  He/she is doing a poor job.  She should be auditioning for every slutty bikini-clad role in Hollywood.  Those tits are out of control; I feel like I need a permit just to stare at this picture.  Her breasts are more fun to look at than those Magic Eye Posters.  Did I miss this somehow?  Are these the same breasts I saw in “Desperado”, really?  I think someone had some work done; bravo.  They look amazing and I am recommending them for their own exhibit in the Smithsonian.

Would Anyone Really Miss These Two? Nope…

Heidi Montag & Spencer Pratt

Who are you?

I will give someone a free password to one of the sites in our top 12 if they can explain to me exactly what these two people do for a living.  I am baffled, I’ve got nothing.  How on earth are these two neanderthals famous?  I need an explanation, pronto!  I am quite confident that if I were to see Spencer Pratt at a bar or club, there is a very good chance I’d either kick him twice in the nuts or pour Visine into his beverage.  I am leaning towards the latter.  And this wife of his…what the F?!  Who are you?  Where did you come from?  Why do people care about you?  Why are you the first name that pops up on Google when I start typing ‘heidi’?  What about Heidi Klum, Heidi Fleiss, that chick named Heidi who gets sent to the Swiss Alps to live with her grandfather, Heidi Cortez, Heidi with freckles from the 5th grade, Heidi from Heidi’s Hot Dogs in Pickens, South Carolina, any Heidi but Heidi Montag!  I hate you guys, a lot.

Tiger Got Her Pregnant…Then He Did It Once More

Tiger Woods Baby Mama, Nearly

It just keeps getting better…

I simply cannot get enough of the Tiger Woods saga.  Partly due to the fact that it is never-ending; also that it seems to get juicier every other week.  Josyln James, the pornstar and crowd favorite here at Nude Reviews, told Inside Edition that Woods impregnated her twice.  It was bad enough for Woods’ image when her name appeared on the list of infidelities, but now this?  Tiger can’t catch a break, not that he deserves one though.  Apparently James had a miscarriage the first go-around, and an abortion on the second trip.  The article I have linked to this blog post ends with James’ stepmother calling James a compulsive liar and bad parent.  It would appear then that Joslyn and Tiger are perfect for each other.

It’s Swimsuit Time…Imagination: Run Free and Flourish

Bar

Bar Rafaeli is hotter than hell in late July.  Still can’t figure out why she was banging Leonardo Dicaprio for so long, but I can get over it.  This is from the 2010 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue and it appears that she is only getting hotter every year.  The amazing part about Bar Rafaeli is that she only appears in mainstream news and media once a year.  Seriously, when was the last time you saw her? Anywhere?  She probably just hangs out all year, then every winter she gets a phone call, “hey Bar, it’s that time of year again”.  That is one fantastic lifestyle and I am definitely envious.  Although, no one wants to see me in that bikini…no one.

This Should Have Been A 12 Minute Commercial…

Megan Fox takes baths…

I took a brief hiatus from porn to watch the Superbowl.  Had it not been for this ad, my night would have been a complete waste.  Now I realize it is not the raciest or most taboo of Superbowl ads, if you look back at all of the commercials over the years, there have been more provocative ads than this one.  But listen, it was the element of surprise that really made this ad, amazing.  I was tired of Bud Light, they must have spent 300 million on ad spots.  When this delight came on the screen, I froze for 30 seconds…

“Believe Me, It’s 13 Inches Long…I’ll Show Ya”

Big John Edwards

Vote for me, my dick is huge…

Word on the street: John Edwards has a monster dong.  This coming after reports of a sex-tape he made with his adulterous counterpart, Rielle Hunter, surfaced.  I love it.  Not only did this guy cheat on his wife and deceive millions, but he documented it, like any moron would in that situation.  Toss all of the accolades out of the window, strip the mantle of every honor bestowed upon you, John; and simply place the DVD above your fireplace.  You have entered into that uncertain realm of ‘man, that’s crazy’ and ‘this guy is truly a douche’.  Not many can pull it off, but you seem to tackle the difficulties with remarkable precision and that dreamy Carolina smile.  I guess the old ‘sneaky politician’ moniker is still safe for a while.  Back to the sex-tape though, intriguing, right?  Rumors are swirling about Edwards’ member and its porn-like stature.  If it’s as big as the reports are indicating, it may need its own separate story.  This guy needs an E True Hollywood Story, yesterday.  I don’t even think he has to agree to it, just whip something together E Channel.