Soap, Ass, 3-D Glasses…My Weekend Is Set!

Happy Friday. I will most likely be drunk in about 2 hours, so what I am about to say at this moment is of the utmost important. Follow my footsteps, there will be plenty of porn to look at when you get back from the bar, or even tomorrow. It is the weekend. I want you to go bang some strange ass, super strange in fact. Get up in there and do the things they only write about…you know what I’m talking about. I have provided a glimpse (above) to give you a step in the right direction. And remember, if it looks dodgy, chances are that it probably is…just double-bag it.

My Favorite Position Reveals Nothing! Nothing!

As long as I can bust…

I am a butt man, sure. I am also a tits guy, so…where do I fall on this list? After reading through the article I realized that I am a combination of several of these rankings. If I were backed into a corner however, I would have to say #5 (the lazy man that likes cowgirl). Does that make me a bad lay? I doubt it, it just means that I admire a woman’s breasts and ass, and like to be able to grab them both while having sex, all while sitting on my couch. Is that awful? No, it’s economical and advantageous for me. I won’t get tired as a result and probably last longer. When I get behind a girl it is reminiscent of Christmas morning. I cannot be expected to contain myself and will probably blow a load in 12 seconds. Call me lazy, fine; but my experiences have shown that letting her ride one out on top is just fine and dandy. She will be happy and I can most likely still keep one eye on SportsCenter…

Touch Them, It’s A God Damn Suicide Mission

This is pure, uncut, 100%, potent and lethal danger.  This woman will kill you.  It’s not a question of how, but when.  It is pretty damn obvious how she will murder you.  Look at those boobs, they are the size of life rafts.  Who on Earth was dating this woman?  More importantly, who are his friends?  They are clearly shitty friends for not warning him of the danger-zone he was entering.  I wouldn’t go in there unless I was wearing the iron scuba suit that navy divers wore in the 1940’s.  Her boobs are biological weapons.  This is truly an alarming video, it should be played to all 6th grade boys gym classes in order to prevent future disasters.

8-Ball In The Corner Pocketpussy…Hey Lisa…Hi

Lisa Ann

Lisa Ann might just be the fine wine of the porn industry.  It’s not often that you find a pornstar getting better with age.  She has figured it out for sure and I cannot get enough.  Maybe she stumbled upon a mystery potion, an ancient Chinese secret or perhaps she made a deal with the devil.  She is everywhere and continues to put out hit after hit and feature on every major network across the net.  Massive tits and plenty of Milf charm have made her a fixture in the industry as her 40th birthday approaches.  This will probably be the only time you hear me say this, but I hope she is doing porn when she is 50.  I know, that sounds a little off-putting (unless you dig the grannies) but I think she will still be smoking hot.  What’s stopping her?  Okay, maybe time will become her foe at some point, but look at those boobs.  They are stunning.

Is Tiger Gonna Have To Choke A Bitch?

Tiger and Joslyn

Sexting…

This Tiger Woods thing is out of control now.  I mean, I love every minute of it, but it is insane.  Tiger apparently likes to talk dirty.  I am no stranger to this hankering either.  Sexting is my middle name and I have sent my fair share of naughty SMS.  My favorite has to be the one Tiger sent to Joslyn James stating his desire to ‘choke her’ and that she needed to find a ‘trusted’ friend for their threesome.  Tiger, Tiger, Tiger; always double checking like a champion.  That’s how it went down for my first threesome too.  I told my mistress, “Hey listen, this threesome is going down, but make sure we can trust this hoe, I don’t need her yapping about it.”

Tiger spread himself too thin, obviously.  Had he only been adulterous with 3-4 ladies, he would still be in the clear.  But look at what he has created.  Joslyn James now has a website with all of Tiger’s texts on it, and trying to visit the site is impossible; I think 4 servers imploded yesterday alone.  If you get the chance, here is the link.


This Thing Will Outsell Tickle-Me-Elmo, No Doubt

Catalina

The best card in my wallet…

A prepaid card for CatalinaCruz.com will be available starting in April.  The card will be sold in retail stores, convenience stores, liquor stores, truck stops, adult video stores and anywhere dudes wanna buy a prepaid card for jerking-off purposes.  “I’ll take the beef jerky, 2 Cokes, a pack of Marlboro and uhh, hmm, gimme one of those Catalina Cards…”  I am beyond stoked for Catalina and PrePaid Adult Entertainment.  I think this is such a great way to help grow the industry further and take quality porn and place it in the fingertips of many who perhaps might not have known where to find the good stuff.  Catalina is one of our favorites here at NudeReviews and we hope that this venture is a super success, and opens more doors.  As for our pending marriage, I believe it is still a go…if I need to buy a prepaid Catalina card to prove my love; I certainly will.