What’s That, In Your Back Pocket?

Sweet Shoes…

When I come across a picture as amazing as this one, I always feel compelled to share. Believe it or not, this is actually a new ad campaign for Nike. Ok, don’t believe it. But how fantastic is that body paint? I wonder if the people in the background knew it was body paint, or perhaps just another girl in a tank-top and jean shorts. That dude with the sunglasses is thanking his lucky stars that he decided to leave the house with his shades on. I know exactly where his eyes are pointing from underneath those blue-blockers. He is a wise man, and if we were to cross paths one day, I’d shake his hand and offer him a refreshment.

A Wrinkle In Time (Great Book, Awful Calendar)

Boner = Gone…

Listen, I’m no ageist but this is a little much. I will always condone and advocate the publishing of calendars featuring scantily clad women, but I have to draw the line here. No one wants to see an 89 year-old woman in a bikini, no matter what month it is! Christiane Luckardt begs to differ, more importantly though, some moron calendar producer actually signed off on this. This is the problem with society, there are too many people thinking…and that is dangerous. The one positive note spilling over in this giant mess is the proceeds going to charity. Honestly, I feel genuinely sorry for this charity because they aren’t getting a dime. I’d hate to be the guy who has to explain that they spent $10,000 creating the calendars while revenues totaled 56 bucks. He will be looking for a new job, and won’t find one. There might be one person out there interested in the calendar: this guy.

Road Trip: Destination Tits and Ass!

Smile…

If you are within a 200 mile radius of Miami Beach, Fl – get your ass to Exxxotica, 5 minutes ago. This is your chance to meet all of those hotties you drool over constantly. No shame, I drool too. So get off of your ass and get on the Florida Turnpike or I-95 and head south. This really is a convention for the fans, and at Nude Reviews we love the fans more than any other site. You guys make the industry what it is and without you we’d have nothing. To the victor go the spoils…so go get your picture taken with Jayden James or Tori Black or any other amazingly hot girl from the adult industry. Remember, boners are encouraged and condoned there :p

Soap, Ass, 3-D Glasses…My Weekend Is Set!

Happy Friday. I will most likely be drunk in about 2 hours, so what I am about to say at this moment is of the utmost important. Follow my footsteps, there will be plenty of porn to look at when you get back from the bar, or even tomorrow. It is the weekend. I want you to go bang some strange ass, super strange in fact. Get up in there and do the things they only write about…you know what I’m talking about. I have provided a glimpse (above) to give you a step in the right direction. And remember, if it looks dodgy, chances are that it probably is…just double-bag it.

My Favorite Position Reveals Nothing! Nothing!

As long as I can bust…

I am a butt man, sure. I am also a tits guy, so…where do I fall on this list? After reading through the article I realized that I am a combination of several of these rankings. If I were backed into a corner however, I would have to say #5 (the lazy man that likes cowgirl). Does that make me a bad lay? I doubt it, it just means that I admire a woman’s breasts and ass, and like to be able to grab them both while having sex, all while sitting on my couch. Is that awful? No, it’s economical and advantageous for me. I won’t get tired as a result and probably last longer. When I get behind a girl it is reminiscent of Christmas morning. I cannot be expected to contain myself and will probably blow a load in 12 seconds. Call me lazy, fine; but my experiences have shown that letting her ride one out on top is just fine and dandy. She will be happy and I can most likely still keep one eye on SportsCenter…

You Take The Right, I’ve Got The Left…

Ass me another question…

Are you an ass man?  I am, tits too, but I do have a soft spot in my heart for an amazing ass.  A great butt is capable of rendering men speechless for hours at a time.  Then when you finally regain the ability to speak, all you can do is discuss that perfect butt for the next day and a half.  It’s a vicious cycle that most men eagerly welcome into their lives.  The butt has an almost superhuman quality about it; one that I cannot pinpoint precisely.  Perhaps I am too young still, and the comprehension of certain mysteries of the world are just not in my grasp yet.  I will get there one day, no doubt.  In the meantime, everyone should buy this book.

Blueberry, Bran, Banana Nut or Chocolate Chip

Someone in my office told me the other day that I had a Muffin Top.  Bullshit.  I am far from it and resent the notion that my midsection even slightly resembles this picture.  There are obviously places you can get away with a Muffin Top though, and kudos to those gals who wanna wear a top like this girl (pictured above).  She is in some kind of music store, maybe FYE or BestBuy, definitely somewhere south of the Mason-Dixon Line or west of the Mississippi River.  Muffin Tops are undoubtedly a geo-specific occurrence.  You won’t catch a Muffin Top on the corner of 42nd and Lexington in Manhattan, just ain’t gonna happen.  However, you might catch two Muffin Tops at the intersection of Main Street and Dale Earnhardt Drive.  That is a fact and I can produce pictures to prove my theory.  So I guess the Muffin Top will continue to thrive in certain regions and continue to be a staple at most Nascar events.  Muffin Top themed porn has yet to break through, but I have my hopes.