Monthly Archives: November 2009

It’s Recording…

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Carrie Prejean

How much is my sextape worth?  Probably nothing…

I am well aware of the power a sextape possesses, and if you wanna make it big in the entertainment biz…get one made ASAP.  Carrie Prejean, gay-basher of Miss America fame, was offered $1,000,000 for the rights to her solo video that surfaced recently.  Vivid Entertainment thinks it can be a top seller, just like the smash-hit Kardashian video.  Prejean apparently is not interested in the offer and I think that is career suicide.  She already slammed the gays, might as well top off that hellacious career with a solo/masturbation sextape.  Remember how horrified everyone across the nation was, when she stated her opinion on same-sex marriage.  She spoke her mind, got blasted for it, went home and masturbated, recorded it, denied it, admitted it, refused a million bucks, offer is back on the table, you suck.

What can be learned from all this sextape nonsense?  That nothing about it is nonsense!  Let the tape out in the open to run wild.  Like a cheetah on the open plain, it just wants to run free.  I think Carrie Prejean needs to sit down and have a pep talk with Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian, Tommy Lee’s penis, Paris Hilton, Bret Michaels, Paris Hilton and Paris Hilton.  They can all give her the inside scoop on just how big a sextape can make you in Hollywood.  Bret Michaels wears a bandana with hair sewn to it…end of story.  Prejean, listen up, take the money you filthy pageant-star, and blow it all on vibrators and Republican magazine subscriptions…I will still love ya.

These Dudes are Getting an A…For Life!

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Dare-Dorm

I wanna go back to College…

Every now and then I drive past a college campus, I get a tear in my eye and my mind takes me back to the glory days.  Sometimes I literally black out and wake up with my car in a ditch…happened last Tuesday.  College was an amazing journey, and the amount of sex trumps about any other situation a young man can dream up.  Think about it, you show up to a massive campus with dorms, no parents, no serious rules…and you are only 18!  Imagine if DareDorm was around 10 years ago.  Hell, I bet DareDorm is around, now, because of me…

I remember my first semester of college like it was yesterday.  A late summer beginning to the most splendid 3 months of my life.  College is a natural aphrodisiac.  Forget beer and wine, or even weed.  The simple fact that college is a place where thousands of young adults congregate, live amongst themselves, eat together and shower nearby makes it like a 4 year trip to the redlight district.  I was no fool, I learned fast and optimized my sex.  Everyone can use a little help when they get started at college, it can be a lot to handle right out of the gates.  I highly recommend that you and your new college friends share a girl.  Listen, it wont ruin any friendships because you will all know she is a whore; plus you guys do not get into any trouble with other chicks, because it is just one girl!  Situations like this are good for 2 reasons: they result in blowjobs, and they can lead to crazy sex parties.  Any other inquiries, consult DareDorm.  Just be sure to keep an eye on the ratio.  Try no to get too outduded, as I like to say.  This is when there are 3+ dudes and 1 girl.  It isn’t the worst situation, but you are bound to get cum on you and probably dry-heave when that happens…

DareDorm…

Who Needs This?

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I think the KUSH has ripped off the PENIS…

The KUSH is out, and I am worried about the pending lawsuit from the PENIS people.  I am not kidding, the KUSH is full of crap; original, my ass!  Watch this video, it is clear to any sane viewer that the KUSH stole everything from the PENIS.  Look at the shape, its intended destination, results, size, feel, smell…it all adds up!  I want the PENIS to reclaim its rightful spot in between the breasts, not some imitation plastic device with a fancy carry-case.  I am moving for a full blown KUSH boycott, and anyone who wants to join the team can sign up here.

Nip/Never Tuck…

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Eva, my love

Gimme that camera…

Oh, so close to perfection.  This is a picture I could stare at for hours, maybe days.  I think she knew what was going on here, and in case you don’t, I have circled it freehand with red.  Eva Mendes is about as hot as it gets for me.  She could run for president in Kenya, and win.  I question whether or not this photographer likes women.  I have no problem with the fact that he is gay, but I think that if he waited a half a second longer, her shirt would have opened a fraction more thus revealing a full on nipple shot.  I am not a photographer, but I would have waited, or just snapped the camera furiously until 63 pictures had been taken.  At that rate, at least one nipple shot would show up.  Celebrity nipple shots are the types of things that get me through the weekend, and this past weekend could have been much better if Eva showed a little more skin.

What is she really thinking when she goes out with that shirt on?  More so with that shirt opened, 6 buttons deep.  She is a smart girl, another reason to slide her up the marriage material ladder.  Someone in Hollywood should nab her up, and demand that she only go out in public with her nipples hanging out everywhere.  That is the mark of an amazing husband, and I am striving to be that man someday.  I know it may take a while but I am prepared for the challenge.  In the meantime, I will keep you up to date with the latest nipple slips and such.  It is only Monday and I have a feeling this could be a slippery week.

This is not Eva’s first close encounter of the nippley-kind.  She has been throwin’ tit around for years and I am documenting it.  I have all of her nipple moments logged in a special excel spreadsheet.  I will roll out the full list, with pics, when the timing is right…

i Like To Pleasure Myself…Any Place Will Suffice

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mobile-porn

PocketPorn…

20% of iPhone users watch porn on their device.  That seems too low for me.  I would seriously have expected that number to be substantially higher.  Somewhere in the 65% range sounds about right to me.  I am using simple deduction here folks.  The iPhone is basically a pocket-sized laptop, and people watch porn on computers…catch my drift?  I am gonna take a new poll, hit the streets and get down to brass tacks.  I know there are millions of people watching porn on their iPhones right now!  I had a guy in my office tell me that he jerked off in class once, and this way way before smartphones hit the market.  I have to assume that now, with the iPhone in every tweens pocket around the globe, that these youngsters are rubbing it out every chance they get.  If I had an iPhone in high school it would have led to my expulsion.  My sperm count would have been -3.

So I say keep up the good work Apple, Blackberry and Palm.  Because of you, I will naturally assume that every corner in every classroom, train, bus, airplane and car has been spooged upon.  I’m cool with it though, it can become one of those things where people say, “hey, it’s 2009…lighten up”.  Remember when girls were dressing like jazzercise prostitutes in 1990, it was cool because people defended it with, “hey, it’s the 90’s, get a clue”.

It’s Sperm Season, Get Your Antihistamine…

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OctoMom

Natural Selection…

20,000 to 40,000 women in the United States alone have this problem, they are allergic to sperm.  Come on, we all know people who can not have pets because they allergic to animals but this is absurd.  Think about it, even though this is a very small part of the female population of the United States tens of thousands of women can never bare children.  This is the life’s dream of 99 percent of girls out there, picture perfect wedding, nice house, picket fence, KIDS. The all American dream, I guess this is the Higher Powers way of laughing at us, as I am sure that this allergy affects mostly women of decent behavior since it is not widely heard of.  This is a condition that should have been inherited by people like Nadya Suleman but no she is allowed to conceive 8 kids with out a job and living off of welfare.  They say in the animal kingdom that the individual who leaves more offspring around is the winner in evolution. I do not have kids yet, but I definitely feel that I am more of a winner than any of those broads that just keeps popping out kids so that can stay on government assistance.  And I truly feel sorry for the women that this condition affects for they will never feel the joy in having their own children.

Dylan Ryder Chats with NudeReviews…

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From Prison Guard to Pornstar…

Dylan Ryder made some time for NudeReviews recently and we couldn’t be happier.  Listen to the interview here and check out the transcript.  We covered everything from video games to favorite positions.  She was a pleasure to chat with and I hope we can do it again soon.  And in case you are wondering, I think she digs me ;)

 

[jwplayer config=”Interview Player” mediaid=”10990″]


Nude Reviews: Hey Dylan, it’s Mack from Nude Reviews, how are you?

Dylan Ryder: Fine, good, how are you?

NR: Good, I’m glad we finally got you on the phone. How’s everything. I can imagine, busy life.

Dylan Ryder: I’m actually running behind today. I’m trying to get everything together so that I can head over to Adult Con. And I had to run by and pick up another box of DVDs right now and the FedEx guy was like, “I know you!” I’m like, “What do you mean you know me? How do you know me?”

NR: You’re a familiar face, I think a lot of guys know you.

Dylan Ryder: [laughs] Well, I put him on the spot and he’s like, “Maybe I don’t.”

NR: So, you’re out in California right now?

Dylan Ryder: Yeah, I’m going to pick a friend up and then we’re going to head over to the convention.

NR: So what have you been working on recently?

Dylan Ryder: Well, mainly…well, I shouldn’t say mainly. On my off days I like to focus on getting content done for my site since it did just launch, but there’s not a huge amount of content yet. Every time I try to schedule content trading with other talent or other directors I’ve worked with, I get booked for work.

NR: So what’s the early feedback on the website? Good so far?

Dylan Ryder: So far it’s really good. Initially Top Web Models, they like to launch what they call a fan site so that they can see the sort of feedback and responses and fans following that models have. And originally when I started, I had about 3,900 fans that were free members on my site where they could read about stuff that was going on before it actually launched.

NR: You’ve got a pretty big fan following.

Dylan Ryder: Yeah. [laughs] And it’s funny because I’m like, I’m not anything special. In my mind, I’m just me and I’m a completely down to earth normal person, so I think it’s funny.

NR: I’m pretty sure they all love you. You gotta tell us, how’d you get into the business?

Dylan Ryder: It’s funny because it’s like a two-part story. I was going to work for this company where my friend worked and in her spare time she did porn. And I asked her, how do you live off this money and she was like, “Oh no, you don’t understand. On the weekends I go to LA and I make adult movies.” I was like, “Shut up!” I didn’t believe her.

NR: A little bit of a shocker.

Dylan Ryder: And she goes, “You could totally do it.” I was like, “No, no, no.” I was shy and I hadn’t quite…blossomed yet and I said no way. Even though I was 22 at the time. But I went and did my first shoot in Florida. I want to say it was with Bang Bros. I don’t remember. A fan sent it to me saying they found my very first scene, but I want to forget everything I did when I first started. ‘Cause it all sucked, I didn’t know what I was doing.

NR: I’m gonna get some of my boys in the research department to dig it up, don’t you worry.

Dylan Ryder: No! That’s embarrassing! [laughs]

NR: And what were you doing before this?

Dylan Ryder: I used to work at a prison and I did drug and alcohol rehabilitation. And counseling. I had my six month stint in the industry and then I became a correctional officer.

NR: What was that like?

Dylan Ryder: It was fun, it was really fun. I for sure thought that was what I would retire doing, that’s what I wanted to do. I have a big, big interest in criminology and sociology and I thought for sure, okay this is really what I want to do. I loved the job, but you don’t make very much money and it’s 12-hour shifts. I’m sure you can imagine how high school it is, working with the same people half of your day…everyone talks about each other, everyone hooks up with each other. I was like, dude. That’s not me. I don’t want people to know what I do when I go home. I want to go to work, work and go home.

NR: Absolutely.

Dylan Ryder: What happened eventually was, a supervisor brought in a picture of me from when I was in the business and they were trying to compare…is that her? Is that her? Word got around and they told me I was a distraction, so they moved me to a different facility. So I filed a harassment charge against everybody that was trying to push me out of there because I didn’t think it was fair. And I went to work at a different prison, but after that it just wasn’t the same anymore. Everybody had something to say. I was like, what’s the point? I’m not happy anymore, so I’m done.

NR: Off to Porn Valley!

Dylan Ryder: Yeah! [laughs] That’s something that made me happy and it honestly is a great industry to be a part of. People who aren’t in our industry don’t understand, it’s hard for them to believe that it could be something fun. That you can still learn and you can develop as a person. You learn a lot about yourself, it’s not all about sex, drugs and parties.

NR: Well, we all think you made the right career choice over here. Now listen, I’ve got a couple of quick fire questions that some of your fans at NudeReview.com want to know. I guess you could call this the important stuff. Okay…does size really matter?

Dylan Ryder: Not really. I think, because I’ve been with all different types and I think it has to do with the way the guy presents himself. If he’s confident in what he’s got regardless, that can be a huge turn on. And also, how he treats you, how he pleasures you, his attention to verbal and non-verbal cues to what you like and what feels good…then I’m sure it can be just as fun as somebody who has a huge cock and all they know how to do is rip you open and they don’t know how to do anything else.

NR: Hang on a second, I’m gonna grab a pen and take some notes here! Just kidding. What’s your favorite position?

Dylan Ryder: [pauses] Um, standing. Which is hard because a lot of people are not tall enough or strong enough to support that, but standing is my favorite.

NR: What was your first time like?

Dylan Ryder: In the industry or personal?

NR: Personal, in life.

Dylan Ryder: Oh God! [laughs] This boyfriend I had in high school, he had this Cadillac. It was in the back of his Cadillac.

NR: The back of a Cadillac, I like that. Now listen, this is probably the most important part of this interview. I heard you’re pretty badass at Mario Kart. Is that true?

Dylan Ryder: [laughs] You know, I used to work at a youth center, years and years ago and that’s what we used to play. I would always challenge the kids and they’d line up and I’d play. And when Mario Kart came out on the Wii, we would play it on Wii. We have Mario Kart and Tiger Woods competitions at my house.

NR: I think I could take you.

Dylan Ryder: [laughs] It’s fun, it’s really fun.

NR: Well Dylan, I think you’re a lot of fun. Everyone here at Nude Reviews are really big fans. Anything else you want the NudeReviews.com visitors to know about you?

Dylan Ryder: Pretty much anything they want to know, they can message me at my site. I check it nightly so every night they’ll get a personal response or message from me. I pretty much answer every question.

NR: I think that’s why you have such a fan following.

Dylan Ryder: It’s important. They’re what drives this industry, otherwise I’d be out of work.

NR: Us, too! Well, I’m going to let you go to Adult Con. We really appreciate this. Maybe we can do it again sometime.

Dylan Ryder: Definitely, call me anytime!

NR: Take care, Dylan.

Hey, Sweet Tits…I mean, Jessica

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sexual_harassment

We’ve all had a horny boss…

Ruby Tuesday seems like the place to work in the Stroudsburg, PA, area.  Honestly, how could this have happened?  A middle-aged manager surrounded by college-girl waitresses…gimme a break!  This poor guy never had a chance.  He is certainly to blame for the mess he created, but if he only knew that he stood zero chance of ever making it out of the situation from the get-go, he might have played his cards differently.

Christopher Mendoza is the manager of the Eastern Pennsylvania restaurant, and he is rather horny.  Usually in these instances we see one girl who gets harassed by her boss, but this case involved just about all of the female employees in the tri-county vicinity.  Mendoza targeted most of his sexual advances at one particular employee, but never singled her out entirely.  He made sure to creep out all of the waitresses, which kept it fair and balanced.  When I am going to sexually harass a co-worker, I always make sure that I have 2-3 more reserve co-workers ready to go.  I harass all of them, and give no individual the chance to say, “Hey, what the hell, you creep! Quit sexually harassing me!”.  She knows I will reply smoothly with the ole, “You wish babe, I’m doin’ this to every lady on the 9th floor, don’t feel so exclusive!”