Monthly Archives: October 2009

Can I Borrow Your Car?

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jerk

Of course, you are a trusted friend and an all around great guy…so I thought!

If your friend has a hot date and wants to borrow your wheels, you always say yes.  You do this because you are a good friend and you trust him with your car.  What you never expect him to do is have sex in your car.  Is this sophomore year in highschool?  What the F?!

I opened my car door this morning and caught a left jab of sex and a right cross of you don’t wanna sit there.  This is a major party foul and I will not tolerate it.  I drove to work with the airconditioner cranked and all of the windows down in my car.  I stopped at the quickie-mart and bought three air-fresheners, a vanilla-mint candle and a new steering wheel cover.  The candle is lit right now in the backseat, and truthfully if it sets my car ablaze I probably won’t be upset.  That thing was so pungent this morning, I dry-heaved twice, then really threw up.  How could he have the audacity to pull a stunt like this?

He was driven by the power of sex, and literally drove my car right into the junkyard.  This erotic B.O. will be lingering for years and I am pissed.  Now I know some people would say, “hey give your friend a pass…he got action”  No, no, no my faithful blog readers…this guy is dead meat.  I am deciding now whether to leave a dead fish under his bed sheets or just pee in his shampoo bottle.  Please feel free to leave me suggestions…

The ‘Hot 100′ is Full of Shit

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Porn Crime of the Century

I smell doo doo…but Sasha Grey looks gooooood!

Genesis Magazine unveiled their “Hot 100 Pornstars” and I think it is hogwash.  Realistically, I would bang every girl on the list, but I do not agree with the rankings.  They have Tori Black at #20, someone should go to jail for that maneuver.  In fact, I would like to personally prosecute the dildo who decided to make that call.  Although, he could probably get the case dismissed by pleading insanity because anyone who would make that call is a complete moron.

Okay, I have a thing for Tori…sorry.  But lets get to the meat and potatoes of the list because I have some issues there as well.  I know Jenna Haze took home the mega trophy in Paris on Tuesday night, and I know I blogged about her recently, but what the hell…am I the only one who thinks she looks like she is constantly smelling dog poop?  Seriously, take a look, it’s like she has old mustard stuck in her philtrum, and instead of wiping it clean, she continues to smell the horrible stench daily…resulting in the “Jenna Haze Look” as I have dubbed it.  Who wants to smell old mustard?  Not me…

On a brighter note, Sasha Grey is numero uno and I agree.  Plus, Alexis Texas is in the Top 15, which I love.  Yes, I know her ass can create a lunar eclipse, but that is why I love her…

*Go ahead and read the list.  Give me some feedback people!

Take Your Pick…

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garden variety

I’m not gonna knock sex toys, but come on now, what did our ancestors use?

Is a sex toy something so elaborate nowadays that an award must be given each year…yes it is.  Evolved Novelties, the adult toy company, took home the award for Best Toy Collection at the Erotixxx Awards for the second straight year.  It makes me think about masturbation in the 18th century.  I know that’s an awful thought, all things considered, but listen…

In Colonial Times people were wound up so tight, literally and figuratively.  They wore so many damn layers of clothing that sex was more of a chore, with all of the undressing it must have taken half a day.  Not to mention, men were never around.  They were off tending to the crops or fighting Indians a three days ride away from the farm.  Women have needs and I’m no fool.  I know that they masturbated when their husbands were out of town.  You must be asking yourselves, what did they use?  I will tell you, a cucumber.  Maybe a carrot, possibly a slender butternut squash.  They were not lucky enough to have sex toys in their era, and had to use ingenuity and creativity to figure out how to get off.  So the next time you see some fancy dildo or anal vibrator, just remember, it was not that long ago when a quick trip to the garden would cure the masturbation craving…

She Soaked Me…

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supersoaker

We’ve gotta squirter Sarge….

I nearly crapped the first time I was with a girl that squirted.  That would have been awful because I’d have literally crapped onto her pillows and sheets and it would not have been pretty.  Rule 181: As messy as the squirting gets, it does not even compare to dumping on a bed mid-bang.

Squirting…where were we…ah yes the infamous first squirter.  I remember being in her bed having a great time, she thought I was a stud (naturally) and then boom!  All I did was pull out a little and Old Faithful burst right into my chest!  I immediately thought I had been urinated on, unhappy and wet I mutter something like, “aww what the f…” but before I can finish yelling she informs me that it was in fact an orgasm, not pee.  I didn’t believe her at all, I was pissed (on) and I wasn’t even done yet.  She explained it all to me like a master squirt sensei teaching a pupil and eventually I could not get enough of this girl and her rocketship orgasms.  You have to see a squirter in action to really appreciate it, it’s kind of like seeing a band live for the first time…you listen to all the CD’s, now get your ass to the concert!

The Real Squirt is the best place I can send you to find amazing squirts if you are having trouble “finding a squirter near you”.  I know they aren’t in all walks of life, but people, they are out there and unless you have a gor-tex raincoat you’re gonna get soaked.

I Have Another G.I.F.T. For You…

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Rilee FTV

The g.i.f.t. that keeps on giving…the Nude Reviews blog.

This is Rilee and honestly that’s all I know.  But part of me thinks that is enough right?  Be on the lookout for this young minx in the upcoming months.  She is a newbie on FTV Girls and I have no choice but to believe the caption on this pic…Let’s just hope October is over tomorrow.  Alas, November’s FTV Girl: Rilee!

Seriously though, how hot is this girl?  She could probably save the whales with a smile and fix world hunger with one hair flip.  I used to fear girls like this but now I embrace them for all of their splendor.  Enjoy…

*G.I.F.T. (Girl I Found Today)

Don’t Forget My Nipples…

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Plastic surgeons now focusing on nipples more than breasts…

An article I read this afternoon discussed how plastic surgeons are focusing more on the nipples now during boobjobs than in the past.  Equally fascinating and erotic…damn I’m jealous of boobie docs.  There is so much silicone and saline in porn I just want all the fans to be abreast (so immature) of these recent developments…

What does this mean?

It means that through the use of modern science the past 25 years have been particularly kind to society.  Plastic surgery has given me huge perfect boobs everywhere I look. And now the nipples are even better…so for all the girls out there who were on the fence about a boob-job because of this nipple negligence…your fear is now gone, and you may proceed…

On the Road…Stripper Style

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Actual West Virginia Stripclub

Just ’cause she dances  go-go…it don’t make her a ho, no.

As the Fall season is upon us I beg you all to take a road-trip.  It doesn’t have to be epic, no need to jump a bridge in an ’88 Taurus or steal a schoolbus from a special needs facility.  Just enjoy yourself, bring a buddy or two and really go balls to the wall.

Go to a strip club in another state…always a great experience.  Personally I recommend West Virginia.  Yea the strippers may be missing a few teeth but you will be drunk enough that it won’t matter.  You are probably saying, “Why West Virginia?”…

A.) The chicks will love you, where a polo shirt, blowjobs will be free.

B.) There is so little effective law enforcement in West Virginia…if shit goes down and you kill a stripper, don’t even worry about Johnny Law.

C.) The hottest girl in the stripclub can be talked into doing a group deal, for
a phenomenal rate (mention my name if she needs a refresher).

D.) Sharing a border with Kentucky is very underrated.

E.) Strippers in West Virginia don’t even know what Champagne is…

*ACTUAL STRIP CLUB IN WEST VIRGINIA

Welcome to Paris, Miss Haze…

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welcome to paris jenna

Blowjob or baguette?

Ran into Jenna Haze last night in Paris.  The Hot d’Or Awards are tomorrow night and all the megastars are gathered in the City of Light to see who takes home the big trophy.  I felt compelled to show her a good time, so I gave her the traditional Paris welcome (notice the picture).  True story, I snapped this POV photo of Jenna last night around 11:30 p.m.  I wish I had video though, so you could hear me yelling, BONJOUR!!

Most people think when you come to Paris you get 3 kisses on the cheek, followed by a croissant and a coffee.  Not the case.  Anyone in the know will tell you that a true “welcome to Paris” starts with a blowjob and ends with a facial.  Jenna was unaware of this, but as you can imagine, she was eager to learn the popular greeting…so I gave her a crash course.

Yes, that is my penis.